I'm Still Percolating

Still percolating. Updates though, while percolating.

 Baptism for the dead. I am coming to appreciate that this is indeed one of the rituals that LDS members do hold sacred, for reasons having to do with ensuring all have opportunity, living and dead. Also their belief that it among the commandments to make upon earth conditions as described in the scriptures. Although I'm not yet inclined to embrace all the scriptures they are using, preferring still bible as scriptural basis by which to begin to build foundations, and baptisms for the dead is but one verse in the New Testament referencing a practice done at that time in history, I am inclined to think about adopting the ritual in support of the fact that it is considered a sacred rite to LDS membership. Having now learned that the performance characteristics of this ritual are safe and do not include touching of the body beyond a laying on of hands on the head, that element is out of the way. Still a barrier and in the way - the issue of tithing equates to whether one can or cannot enter temple. Right now it is my thought that this church is putting up barriers that will impede my progression, something the leadership and membership desire for me, yet it seems I will need to pay my way to that progression.

 ....................... Sidebar, and in observing one bit of information, leads me to relating more of my (our) faith journey. Skip this part if you aren't interested in reading through 4-5 paragraphs, and I may well have related some part of our journey in previous blog postings.

 Interestingly, side note, there is an Occupy London (OWS) gathering at the St Paul Cathedral in London, Anglican (Episcopal) Church of England, which has been sourced as reason for two high ranking clergy stepping down from their positions in support of not banning the Occupiers from camping out at St Pauls. What has this to do with my blog subject? Just my observant following of the Occupy movement and my affiliation with the Episcopal church. I'm a bit of a dual citizenship Christian in that regard, actually more than dual citizenship but for now I'll reference just the two faith citizenships, Episcopal and LDS.

 I was baptized in Methodist church when I was a baby. In my young teen years I attended a neighborhood church when we lived in the South - probably a Baptist church and the minister called people to come down, and in the feeling of the moment, I went down which led the minister to herd me immediately into baptism - something I wasn't fully ready for, more was in touch with the feeling than knowledgeable about the practices or beliefs. Once again, as a young adult, via home lessons from the Jehovah's Witnesses, I began attending that church, was once again herded into baptism. By then I had our firstborn child and was looking for a spiritual home in which to raise her. That lasted two years, and I credit myself for a bit of perseverance in wanting good for my child, yet finding something not quite in line with what I was looking for, I left that church within two years. late into our adult years, after my divorce and marriage to my current husband, we were confirmed in the Episcopal church (church of my mother's formative years) where we found a church home where we felt welcome, wanted and needed. In time we came to see that the members were older and looking for younger energy to continue the offices of the church, which put us in the path of studies towards being licensed lay preachers, and further down the road unpaid Priests.

 The invasion into Iraq put us on a different footing, with a stronger discernment of ministry in activism to end the Iraq war, a call to Peace. With a military background and both of us having experienced some aspect of the earlier Vietnam war, we spoke as a military family and veteran calling for the troops to be brought home, the Iraq war brought to a close. This necessitated conflicting schedules with our functions at the church on Sundays and our public activism engagements. We advised the membership, spent years between 2004 and 2008 in intense activism efforts. Returning to our home church no longer quite felt like home to us. Years had passed with our country in turmoil, and we found it difficult to settle back into a quiet Sunday worship service routine as the expression of our spirituality, beliefs and recent activism energies.

 We had opportunity to visit a Lutheran worship service, as the Episcopals and Lutherans are in communion. It was not a lot different than Episcopal service and I loved the church building, a quaint building of Norwegian styled architecture. Lutherans have a quite extensive and somewhat impressive social services outreach. Thought it might be a bit too much though, husband still doing social work in his profession, and adding more social work outreach in his leisure hours after the years of intense activism might be a bit of overload. I chose instead to spend some time on the Boards of local non-profits, one that was being smeared badly and unfortunately given their history of good work in the community, and the other a church start-up food bank for local town. As it turns out on the Board of the food bank start up was the same individual who participated in badly smearing the other organization. I remained on both Boards until the inevitable demise of one organization had reached completion, in the hopes I might bring something to the table that would aid in turning it around. Not to be. In the diminished need of the existence of one board, I no longer felt comfortable being on the other board, taking my leave and still wanting for their endeavor to be a successful one.

 A few more years passed, we visited a church in our immediate community, good people, and perhaps a bit of the Evangelical coloring making it somewhat uncomfortable for us. By the time of the year 2010, we felt calmed enough to visit other of the local churches, still seeking a church home for our later years. We agreed we would visit the local denomination churches one by one, and some of the further distance churches based on what was attractive to us in their belief sets and practices, ie Quakers, Unity Church which we had enjoyed in our visit to congregation in Vancouver, WA. We started with a visit to my husband's church, local Mormon church in the area. I was impressed enough with the talks to believe I could make my personal spirituality work within context of this church, his church and I yearned for him to find some place of inner peace with his cultural heritage and identity vs the doctrines the church impressed upon him. I rather knew giving a thumbs up and announcing desire to proceed to baptism would generate the baptism preparedness activity which I by then knew every church denomination seems intent on insisting, thinking we could get it done and out of the way rather than the cat and mouse dance of being convinced to agree to baptism. I had years of life with my husband, exposure to his perception of Mormon beliefs and practices, and felt ready to make this dive for where it might take us. end sidebar............................

  Sunday talks at Sacrament Meeting. Conversion or Convert as a process and not an event. Speaker, a long time member of the church, and also holding an academic and skilled profession as an administrator of school system, spoke of being converted in some areas while still waiting for conversion in other areas. A relief to me to hear. The 'process' of conversion as a process as in over years, maybe decades, maybe a lifetime. Shares the out take from the parable of the wage earners with the late arrivals being paid the same amount as the all day workers. He used just a few sentences, it was a part of his talk, not the subject of his talk. Loved how he gave the parable a green light and ended that part of his talk as the end of his talk with those familiar phrase to 'get over it'. Gives me another sense of relief, that I have a place at this table even if I have arrived late to the party. Bishop talk, and he wrapped his talk up with the phrase to 'suck it up'. Another familiar phrase to me.

  Sunday School - Gospel Doctrine I just can't get into the teacher's teaching style. Asks the open ended questions and seems to me with an expectation of 'correct' responses, not shared thoughts of many. It feels to me like he is wanting people to read his mind as to what the correct response is, or at least based on my feeling/reaction when I do share a response which it feels like he pretty much writes off. I was resolved to provide no response at all, not to let my spontaneity overcome my resolve. I was successful. Bishop fulfilled his promise to sit with me, and again encourages me to share and respond. I'm thinking about this often. Knowing I bring different perspective since I've been exposed to different disciplines, I am coming to understand though, this is not about discussion, dialogue or sharing. It's pretty much rote, routine responses, even if the teacher has worked hard in preparing the lesson. Maybe it's his personal perspective that he brings to the lesson and since he and I would likely not see eye to eye on many of the New Testament readings, because he is in the role of 'teacher' it changes the dynamic as perhaps would not be in a private conversational exchange. Leaving this one as perplexing to me for now, likely will return to it from time to time in this blog. I am not doing well with the Sunday School class, nor the teachers called to teach it. Or at least that is my feeling about it, although I have not had any members call me out on it.

  Joint Priesthood and Relief Society Meeting (men and women meeting together) Four Talks - every one of them about Tithing (capital T intentional). Lay it off to it's that time of year, with tithing settlements sessions with Bishop coming up or can't help but feel like because I did bring the issue up with the Bishop in Bishop interview last week, it brings the topic back to the forefront. One of our newest members (moved here from another Ward) pointed out the distinction of 10% of income or 10% of increase and don't other contributions as strength, time, talents, gifts count as increase. That was not dismissed as not having merit, but given that all the other talks were firm on the 10% of income, I didn't get the impression that the point of increase was considered to be the correct application. Discussions with husband and he assures me that talk is not aimed at me (us) specifically and there are others in the Ward membership who are not paying tithing regularly or fully or at all.

  Community of Christ church meeting We had bumped into website for Community of Christ Church earlier in the week, and read through the website for several hours. It appears that while they are the product of Joseph Smith teachings that did not make the trek to Utah under Brigham Young leadership, remaining instead in East Coast states, the formation of the religions have quite different beliefs. Listening to Mormon Stories podcast; John Hamer, The LDS Succession Crisis of 1844 and the Beginning of RLDS (Community of Christ) we got a feel for the formation and beliefs of the Community of Christ church. Interestingly, when we lived on Samish Island in Skagit County, there was one road in and an RLDS sign was posted showing direction to what we presume was an RLDS campsite. As it turns out, that is correct, it is one of the Community of Christ campsites. I recall at the time, not knowing the difference between Fundamentalist LDS with polygamy, I had mistakenly thought RLDS to be that, and was always put off by seeing that sign, thinking it pointed direction to a polygamous compound. I was wrong about my perceptions, confused about the acronymns. RLDS means Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, a name they changed to Community of Christ in 2001 more in keeping with original name of the Joseph Smith church - Church of Christ. Community of Christ church follows the Revised Common Lectionary with the liturgical years A,B, C. Familiar theme via our confirmation and activity with the Episcopal Church. Core message of the Community of Christ church is Peace. From the website, it certainly appeared that the hybrid blend of Mormon/Protestant beliefs might be a better fit for us, we contacted a congregation closest to us and were invited to come.

 We drove the hour drive and met with the people of that particular congregation, very small, newly forming and sharing church building with Methodist church in that particular neighborhood, diaconal Minister (meaning unpaid minister). The people were pleasant, warm, welcoming and inviting enough, sharing their meal with us, followed by their service. We tried to bring to the sharing some of our positive LDS experiences, yet I didn't get the sense there was familiarity to them of LDS community. It was, not as I might have thought, LDS Light, but seemed more of a start up congregation of what could easily have been any Protestant faith, or for that matter, a community non-profit reach out group. Were this what we were looking for, we can find it much closer to home, and we have found it in many of our church and community affiliations. Since they are a quite small group, their focus is on their immediate community needs, ie, holiday baskets, adopt a family, clothing and food drives, helping with holiday community dinner. Bless them and wishing them well in their endeavors, it is not quite what we were thinking it would be and if anything rather validated that I am more pleased than I realize with the LDS church and Ward we attend.

I did not feel good about this Sunday

Saturday we had another lesson with the young missionaries which are conducted at the church building.  I had inquired when we were going to get to the baptism, young Elder answered that Arthur would need to have another interview with the Bishop.    Lesson went well enough and it seemed to me like it was getting to the questions we would be asked in what sounds like an interview prior to baptism.

At the end I inquired about something I'd been told by one of the members - something regarding wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and something to the effect that America was the chosen land.   Arthur attempted to clarify his understanding of what I might have been told, based on his understanding, which is not at all as I was told.  The missionaries also tried to offer clarifications.  I'd like to be persuaded, but the person who told me this was pretty clear about what was being conveyed and had an investment in such being true.  

I decided to let it go for the evening and Arthur and I enjoyed a meal together and watched a dvd later in the evening.   Next morning, I did some googling to see if I could determine what position the LDS church has taken on war, and more specifically the Iraq war.  It was disheartening to read the 'non position' yet the enthusiastic support for President Bush in deciding to invade Iraq.  I won't get into all of that in this post, except to point out that it was not at all reassuring or uplifting to read that the then prophet of the LDS Church...well, I just won't get into it...... 

This is the first Sunday of the month, so the pattern in the church meetings for first Sunday of the month is where members are given ample time to go up to the podium to give their 'testimony'.  I recall that we had this experience the first Sunday in February and I thought it went well enough.  Not so today.   A couple of people gave similar testimonies as they had previously given, not much new there.  I likened it to lighting a candle at the Episcopal church.  A young person gave a testimony of concern for loved ones going through serious medical procedures.  I was touched by young person's concerns.  

And then someone got up to give a doomsday testimony of how awful are the conditions of the world, so much so that it must be the end times, and we'll be out of food, resources, and we better brace for mean times ahead.  Well assuredly the news is full of the ain't it awful stuff, in fact, this morning I had put something on my Facebook to the effect that I was wondering where was the good news today.   In this first morning meeting (the sacrament meeting), the chapel has a mix of adults and children, and being a mother and a grandmother, I couldn't help but look around in wonderment about how the children were absorbing this doomsday information.  They might well wonder if they were going to have a meal next week.  The person giving this testimony indicated that while it might be offensive, he/she didn't care;, it was fact, and true, and tough.    

Next person got up and another not so uplifting testimony.   Next person, was in such great personal emotional pain, and I did not feel anything like joy in that testimony.  Couple of quite young children got up to give a three sentence, standardized rote testimony. 

By the end of the meeting, my mood was anything but the 'feel good' I keep hearing as what I should be feeling that the spirit would be letting me know.   Shake it off, I tell myself, and next meeting will see an improvement.  Not to be.  What is called Investigator lesson.   Room full of men again, the young man instructing the lesson, three other men, another man whom we have not met who is apparently also of the investigator status, and myself and my husband.  

I'm determined not to let my mood influence my ability to receive this lesson and I tell myself to just get through it. I am coming to appreciate or understand that this culture does indeed have it's own language with it's own meanings and I feel so outside the language.   The young missionary isn't sure if he wants to teach a lesson on prophets or priesthood.  Suggestions and he decides on prophets lesson.  He is doing well, imo, with staying on lesson, on topic.  The men, in the room, eager to help teach, offer their input and suggestions.

I listen quietly as these men pound home their version of truths until I can stand it no more, the assaultive language.  Don't they have a clue how that sounds to my ears, what they are in effect saying, that I am in the room with them, that I am a woman, a mother, a grandmother, that I have a family and that I would never condemn my children, my family using the kinds of words they are using?!    I speak to it with them.  They reinforce each other's words, all of them in a rush to 'teach'  whatever it is they think they are needing to teach.   I speak to it with them again more forcefully.  And then my husband speaks to them.  That seems to get the attention my own words don't seem to get.  And then they dial it back, explaining that what they meant was..........................    (exactly what they said in the first place). 

It is a heated exchange, not necessarily comfortable, but assuredly an exchange that I don't regret.   In fairness, one man there did acknowledge he understood what I was saying, citing an example in his own family of exactly what I pointed out.  I really don't have any idea what kind of impression is being formed of my reactions as an 'investigator' trying to learn these great truths, but frankly today I'm not much interested in learning much more about these kinds of truths. 

Meeting ends, and Arthur goes to his 'men' meeting while I go to the 'women' meeting, which just happens today to be on Priesthood.  Fortunately the woman conducting the lesson has chosen to read from several different sources and there are not many openings for discussion, until she asks one question of the women 'how do you feel about the priesthood'.   I respond that I'm not too happy about it today, having just come from a meeting with a room full of men that I did not feel were respectful.  She offers that misunderstandings happen sometime, and if I might seek one of them out and explain, to which I respond, no I didn't do anything wrong, they did it wrong (based on the lesson given about priesthood responsibilities) and it's on them to understand their responsibilities.   My reaction is met with quiet, and she goes on with the lesson.  At the end of the meeting, there is time left and women are invited to give their testimony.  Three women do so.  

As the meeting wraps up, several women come to me to inquire what happened, if I'm doing okay, and provide some reassurances, woman support.  It is comforting, in that I had thought perhaps I had alienated the women, and maybe not so much.  

Home and Arthur fixes us a meal, his way of giving grace to what has been an awkward day.  We talk, and then reflect, and then talk again.  I wonder aloud if I have the stuff or stamina to live in this culture.  Sounds like I'm letting one difficult day color my thinking, but it feels much larger than just one bad day.  I have worked diligently, carefully to try to understand it from the other side, what governs the thinking, why it is what it is, despite knowing, living, experiencing first hand the damage I've seen it can cause to families on all sides with it's rigidity.  Today I am not thinking favorably on this religion or culture as demonstrative of a loving God of compassion.  I have worked to try to discern that this is a lay person church, that people are merely people doing the best they can, that the administration of the church, therefore many of it's doctrines are a management level element of operating a global company, and that the people within are church communities enfolding and supporting each other through this earth walk.  Today this philosophy isn't working for me very well.  

In our discussions together, Arthur is concerned, disturbed in knowing that I am disturbed, and we enter into more discussion, coming to a place of deciding to dial this back a bit, push baptism forward several more months, permitting us both time to reconcile in our minds how we want to go forward.   I have engaged a great deal of reasoning, mind work, thinking, researching, studying, and it might be a good time to employ the four legged stool model I learned at Episcopal church of reason, faith, tradition, scripture.    So I've been using three of those, reason, tradition, scripture and for now I think I want to spend some time in prayer, solitude prayer, prayerful prayer, not the public prayer nor the prescribed LDS prayer styles being taught to me in the lessons and at the church meetings.  

And not to leave this on a note of comparisons between religious style approaches, for me there is prayerfulness in the Mother, in Nature, in Great Spirit, and that is yet another venue altogether.  

Talk today was given by a Young Returning Iraq Veteran

He started the talk by saying he was son of  ________  (whom most people would know, and of course, I do not yet know).  He said he didn't know his father was going to ask him to talk.  He said he wasn't prepared (even though he had in his hand exhaustive notes) and he said perhaps he would have some prepared talks ready in case his father surprised him by asking him to give talks in the future.  He is the son of a Stake High Counselor, which means he is not from here but a guest giving a talk at this Ward.  He said he was a returning Iraq veteran (my words, he said he had been to Iraq in a forward infantry function).  He said he  wasn't sure he wanted to tell the story, was still trying to make up his mind, and even now he is not sure if he will tell the story.

He has talked of kindness, that is the theme of his talk. He begins the story.  Of returning from a military mission and meeting an Iraqi woman with a young girl child.  Of offering the little girl a candy bar and the girl being too uncertain and shy to accept it.  Of coaxing her that it was okay and the little girl's mother giving her the nod of approval to accept the candy.  Of how delighted the little girl was and how much it delighted him to see her so  pleased.   Of going on another military mission and returning and seeing the same woman and little girl.  Of how the little girl recognized him and came to him hugging his leg tightly and not wanting to let go.  And he stopped the story right there.   But the tears began for me, for I already knew the rest of his story.

He spoke then of kindness, small acts of kindness and gave examples of representations of being known for being Morman by acts of kindness.  The rest of his kindness theme was not extraordinary, yet I knew it was.  I knew what he did not say or would not say.  I cried through the rest of his talk and it took a long while to regain enough composure to look up again.

When the service was finished, I sought him out and explained that I have a son-in-law who is a two time returning Iraq veteran and is currently in Afghanistan.  I told him his talk meant a great deal to me and he said yes, he could see how it would be quite personal for me.  Did the girl die, I asked.  Yes, he said quietly in almost a whisper.

How, I wondered, would I get through the next two classes.  By then people were talking to us, welcoming us, introducing themselves and I was still trying to regain enough composure to be present.  Normally we would have our somewhat private investigator lesson, but the other two newbies weren't there, so we agreed to have the Gospel Doctrine Class with the rest of the adults.  Most disappointing, and I won't spend a lot of time belaboring my disappointment with the structure of that lesson.  It rather felt like how a person might instruct a kindergarden class.  But this was not a room full of children, it was a room full of adults.  I earnestly hope this is not slated for my future when the investigator lessons (which I like as they are more spontaneous) have concluded and we are assimilated into the Gospel Doctrine Class.  I will be hopeful instead that it is the stylings of the current volunteer instructor of the class.  And I earnestly hope that the instructor will feel the blessings of the challenge of personal growth in fulfilling this calling.

Off to the Relief Society class and one of the women there whom I had just met the evening of the Dance, wanted to escort me to the class.  She confided, or so it seemed as she said it quietly, that her son had been to Iraq three times, and she understood how difficult it was for me, speaking of her own 24 hour a day vigil waiting to hear from her son.  I know enough about the deployments to know that three deployments would have been short bursts and not the extended 'stop-loss' 15 month deployments my daughter's family experienced.  We shared something in common in that heightened sense of wary watchfulness each family who has a loved one deployed goes through while they are gone.  She shared her take on why we were in Iraq and I explained to her that I was very much on the other side of the fence on that one, yet we still had a commonality despite different viewpoints.  Enough said on that for the time being.

After meetings concluded, I sought out the young Iraq veteran as I wanted to tell him that his talk had made a difference for me, that it mattered, and that it pretty much sealed the deal for me.  He hugged me saying that makes him almost want to cry.

In a strange kind of way, the experience of today was akin to God reaching out to me personally and singularly using a language I could relate to with the story the returning Iraq veteran told in part.  I don't think I was getting the message many in LDS culture would interpret as being told that this was the true church.  I've been among returning Iraq veterans before, but it is rare where we live, there are very few that I know about among our small population and citizenry who have deployed to either Iraq or Afghanistan.  Of course, this was not about me nor singular to me, I know that, and even so, somehow it touched me in a spiritual place as if Jesus was issuing a gentle challenge to me that I do not yet understand, and yet this is the place I heard the whisper of that challenge.    It affirms or reaffirms for me that God talks to people in language he knows they can hear and understand, and the threads of that seek out the ear even amongst the words not intended for that ear but for the ears of others.  I don't always understand the language that touches others, nor am I supposed to, any more than others understand the language that touches me.  I liken it to music in that there are notes that sound in the ears and touch such a deep place sometimes captured only in the beauty of  music, art, and dance.  Sometimes in the gifted crafting of a wordsmith painting pictures using words.

This part of the journey is the private part, the part not well described in the traditional words I hear used in the LDS culture.  My dear husband would recognize it as the place I speak of from time to time  - the place of no words.