Visiting Teacher - that's me

Visiting Teacher - what does it mean?  I've been assigned my list of Sisters and their families to visit, along with a companion Sister.  Now what?   Connecting with companion sister in an effort to coordinate schedules with her and how to go about setting up the visits.  She agrees to phone the sisters and set up appointments, we agree to a date and so it's on ... my first experience (in this context anyway) with visiting teaching LDS style.

I'm inserting a video here that I viewed today .. After  .. my day long experience earlier this week with my companion sister in visiting teaching sister families.  As I watched the video, I enjoyed laughing at the different ways to short cut in visiting teaching experiences and then somewhere about 3/4 into the video a shift in direction happened and what had been amusing examples became something else, and my laughter shifted to tearing up and crying.  My husband, sitting across from me on his laptop, engaged in his own online endeavors, looked up in surprise to ask me what was wrong, and I found it impossible to explain that while nothing is wrong, I also cannot explain why I am crying.  He was touched and moved that I was touched and moved.  Some things just really don't have words in the moment that explain or describe the emotion/feeling level.  If the video moves you in similar direction, maybe you can add a comment as to how you experienced the video.  My post will resume after the inserted video.

Resuming my post.  I receive surprise phone call at end of the month from one of the sisters, and I recognize her name.  She announces she along with her companion are to be my visiting teachers.  I'm taken off guard, didn't expect the reverse, with sisters visiting me in my home.  It's a bit of a drive from town to our outlying community, and I go into immediate concern for the cost and time factor for the sister.  I know, I know - - that's not my piece to be concerned about, even so, I am startled by how quickly I shift gears to having concerns about her.  Explaining that this month has been all about family visiting us and us visiting them, we aren't going to be available this day nor likely till next month.

 I'm also a bit taken aback as I have one of those quirky things about people visiting my home which I consider my sanctuary and safe place from the rest of the world.  Okay, I think to myself, I can manage this - once a month, the sisters will call in advance, it will be fine.  After all, we have had the Home Teachers, the Missionaries, Relief Society President, and drop by visit from member couple who live in the community -- much more visitation than I'm use to having in my home.  Typically our social connections (unless immediate family) are conducted outside of our home, making this a bit of a different approach to me to have people in our home.  I'll adapt.  Interesting.  So, once a month visits from 'my' visiting teachers might actually be kind of fun.

Meeting up with my visiting teacher companion, she has scheduled our visits with our families to take place most of one day.   We meet up and get started.   She gives me a bit of overview of each family, and I'm pleased she has phoned them to arrange the scheduling as they will know her whereas it is  unlikely they would know me.  It is a good easing into it arrangement for all parties.

First visit, an elderly couple, her Mr. having health difficulties and they have an in home care worker who gives Mrs. some respite.  She uses that time to get done her personal things that are not about caring for another.  Good arrangement for all, I think to myself.  She is very focused while still being quite gracious about getting our visit completed so she can move on with  the other things she has scheduled for this respite time.  I recognize from having seen them at church on Sunday meetings that she is also supportive to her daughter and daughter's first born baby.  

Second visit, a blended family.  Mr. has health difficulties to the point of being disabled, therefore Mrs. is the primary income-producer in this family.  Both have children from previous marriages as well as their children together.  He has had a couple of earlier marriages and is heavily invested in characteristics leading to his disabilities.  Mrs. seems okay with the nature of their relationship, has substantive enough earnings, does lean on church resources.  

Third visit, grandparents caring for one of their children's children.  Mr. and Mrs. long term marriage, hardy couple, retired from their respective employments, have seen a lot of living and life situations, seem strongly independent.  As they are advanced enough in years, it is astonishing to me that they have taken on 5 children this late in their own lives.   

Fourth visit which did not happen that day will involve a long time married couple in the midst of divorce. 

Fifth visit happened accidentally with a social visit on Sunday with elderly couple members who live in our outlying community.  Another couple, long time friends of theirs and new grandparents, had stopped by and we all shared a pleasant visit.  Recognized Mr. as Counselor to Bishop and when he is sitting in the front, looks quite forbidding to me.  Learned from his wife that he is actually very shy and the talk he gave a few Sundays ago was the first talk ever that he has given.  That completely changes the picture for me, and in the future as I see him sitting in the front by the Bishop, I will not register his composure as forbidding, rather a degree of discomfort.   As it turns out Mrs. is one of the families I've to home visit, she received phone call while we were there from my companion sister to set up appointment, inquires of me if I have been called to be visiting teacher; yes, I reply; and she tells me to consider this visit as a home visit, says does not need anything.   

My sense of the visiting teaching experience is strongly colored by my former career as social worker, and making home visits are not foreign to me.  I sense a need to find a proper blend and balance with my honed skill set nudging me in a pattern familiar to me to assess family situations in line with church resources.  In my mind there might be a small challenge for me in recognizing and appreciating this is a membership community not as comfortable with community or government resources, preferring instead resources as outlined by the church.  

Summer Time, Social Time

What has happened since I last posted to this blog in July?   Lots.  Summarizing.

July we attended Pioneer Picnic at church member's home, that home being on a large property bordered by a creek.  Sunny day, casual fun. July also is the month of my birthday and my oldest daughter's birthday, and we made arrangements for family weekend get together with stay over at cottages on the ocean.  Another 3rd Sunday in teaching the lesson in Relief Society for me.  I did a stand in for vacationing teacher for a Primary class for a couple of Sundays.  Fortunately for me, the lesson plan was about Missionaries, so I invited the two Missionaries into the class to share their experiences with the children.  Afterwards we did a make believe with the children being missionaries visiting potential investigator.  They had some fun defining who would play what role.

My husband was taking a stint as stand in for the vacationing Primary pianist.  I rather knew where he was going with that and sure enough, after a few weeks he was given that 'calling', releasing the woman who had held that calling for 3 years.  She was pleased with the respite.  I understood, and also felt he had abandoned me to the Sunday School sessions.  I use the word abandoned because I still have many questions about the manner in which this church chooses to interpret New Testament gospel.   I'm struggling with finding the established protocol for asking the questions respectfully, and in meaningful way without it being a challenge to the Teacher or confrontational or contentious.  Sometimes though, things need to be said aloud, and I'm still struggling some with saying such things in a tone that reflects respectful dialogue.  My husband knows much about my viewpoints and I have appreciated having him sitting next to me in the Sunday School period.  Now I am sitting alone, and feeling like he rather abandoned me before I was ready to be alone in that particular class.

Still July and we participated in a community meeting regarding the potential closing of a Dept. Social and Health Services Community Service Office in our area.  Resources our community can ill afford to be without, and with a senior aged population, the geographical terrain to get to another region is prohibitive. It is part of our activism efforts to alert the community and encourage their participation in keeping the much needed community resource office.

August was all about my husband, his birthday coupled with his retirement at end of the month.  Birthday celebration, retirement celebration, getting all those last minute preparations completed to transition health insurance, pension, medical and dental visits, paperwork processing.  An unusual event did happen in that four of his children arranged a surprise get together for his birthday/retirement.   Another 3rd Sunday in teaching the lesson in Relief Society for me.

Moving into September and Labor Day celebrations with our new friends in another Ward who come up annually for Memorial and Labor Day camp outs.  I felt moved to give my first 'testimony' at the first Sunday Fast and Testimony service to thank Sister A. for the helpful way she explained her understanding of Priesthood as an office separate from the men.  Somehow her explanation of how she viewed it clicked with me as I have had problems with the separate roles of male and female in this church, males seeming to hold the 'authority' type roles, which is contrary to my experiences in the world working side by side with men holding jobs with equal responsibilities, holding supervisor positions instructing men in their responsibilities.  The structure in this church has felt like steps backwards in time to the pre-feminist era of the gains women made in the 1970's with the galvanized feminist movement. While many have tried to reassure me that women do not hold subservient roles in this church, and are in fact, highly regarded, I still see that as having limitations for women in the expectations for women's roles in this church.  I hope to expand in sharing my thoughts on this at another time.

His sister from Utah came for her annual week visit.  Our schedule that week had several social activities, joining our out of town friends in a camping dinner, an evening wedding and reception of  young members of our Ward, and we had been asked by the Bishop to attend Stake Conference, he to play piano, me to sing with our impromptu 'choir'.  Also our Ward was to provide dessert for the Stake Conference, about 300 people.  We had a quick practice after services Sunday before Stake Conference weekend.  He sat at piano and we, as the improvised choir surrounded him at the piano.  All appreciated his playing, and the choir leader (she does have a degree in music) showcased him by asking him to play the third verse of the song with the trills, twinkles and extras that he does that makes the music more than a straightforward hymn.  His talent and ability as pianist is well regarded and I think our Bishop was eager to showcase him at Stake Conference.  Sure enough, he played beautifully and many came up to thank him and express how taken they were with how he played, something he possesses within himself that makes itself known spiritually in how he plays the piano, and it resonates strongly with people when they hear him play.  I know, I have heard it often from many who wish to express to me how they react and respond to his music.

I'd say August into the first week of September was the month of my husband.  And I'm pleased, happy, and take pride in his humility that indeed, this has been his moment.

Granddaughter to visit at our home this week.  We will spend a few days at my mother's home, supporting her as she deals with a medical procedure. We will be spending weekend with my son and his fiance, then a day with his son as they put together music for his daughter's wedding at end of the month.   It's been a summer filled with family and social activities. As the Autumn season makes it's way, we will close out the summer having experienced fullness of spirit with loving friends, family and our new church family.  New chapters ahead in our lives with him retired now, and us with new opportunities as well as new challenges straight ahead.

Landslide - Caving In

Internally my landscape is shifting and I can feel it.  Internally I can feel the strong walls of resistance I have built for myself starting to crumble.  Which means what, I'm not exactly sure, as I also recognize it wouldn't take much to patch them back up to once again stand strong against .... what  .....  influences I think I prefer not to be built into my internal castle.  Lying deeper though, protected, insulated is a waking part of my self yearning to fully embrace and take it into myself to own, to cherish, to love, to adore, to nurture, to care for, to share, to give.

Since I last wrote in my blog, I have had opportunity to substitute and fill in teaching for Primary Class for two Sundays.  We have had a weekend of family get together and sharing weekend to celebrate mine and my daughter's July birthdays.  Last Sunday was 3rd Sunday which is my time to teach the lesson in R.S. and the lesson was a challenge for me; families together for eternity.  Knowing I could not teach the 'ideal' of the lesson without also including the reality was the challenge for me in giving the lesson.  I think it went as well as could be expected in the framing of the lesson.  The women were responsive, engaged, and actually quite helpful in bringing their own material to the lesson.

My husband was called to be pianist for Primary where he has been substituting for past three weeks, which gives release to the woman who has fulfilled that responsibility for years and desirous of release so she could take in other elements of the Sunday services.  He is happy with this calling.  I am pleased for him, and also feel a bit abandoned as I am left to my own devices in Sunday School lessons and Relief Society lessons.  But it is my time of learning, assimilating, integrating, and he is content to learn anew as he sees it through my eyes.  I would hazard to guess he is doing his own internal integrating.

Yesterday I listened to another podcast at Mormon Matters, subject was on keeping the weirdness of Mormonism.  Somewhere in the middle of the podcast though, as the guest panelists were talking about what works for them, their love of certain doctrines, certain idiosyncrasies, even certain folk lore in what comes together to make up Mormonism, I found myself embracing instead of resisting what I was hearing.

This morning in our typical start the day morning routines, one of which is to start up the laptops and do a quick rundown check of email, I found myself chasing links to Mormon related blogs.  In a moment where I spoke aloud thoughts circulating in my mind normally not spoken aloud, I reflected to my husband that I wish I had been raised Mormon, and that I had been able to raise my family in the LDS church.  I'm not sure what his internal reaction to my thought was but his face registered surprise, maybe even approving surprise, didn't seem to be startled surprise.

I tried to explain to him that I was appreciating the protective and insulated environment created against distractions from the larger world scope.  I was particularly thinking of my years of dance training and the environment of focus created in the dance world.  I was thinking of family that could nurture each other and build each other up, appreciate each other for their talents and contributions.  I was thinking how I yearned when I began my family to have a better family environment than the one in which I was raised.  How I wanted for my children to have the nurture of a close family, none of the emotional onslaughts that wracked my formative years in a hellish dervish.  I was thinking that the map laid out by the LDS church, while too tightly woven in some areas, nonetheless provides an 'ideal' to aim for with demonstrable steps in how to at least aim for the ideal.  Obviously I don't agree with many of the steps or the ways suggested by this church, but I don't take exception to the effort at community, communality, and working towards achieving nurturing connection points.
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This morning in our few moments before he goes off to his workplace for the day, we share a few quiet moments in prayerful reflection.  It isn't always a reverential bowing of the heads in respectful worship kind of prayerfulness.  Sometimes it is a brief exchange of deeper thoughts reflected in a few sentences that each of us may take with us into our thoughts while attending to the tasks of the day. Today mention was made again of our appreciation of the Native American spirituality which does not seem to offer condemnation, more ways to be in loving community with each other.  Perhaps that is why it has appealed to me, the quiet, steady focus on being a 'people' together in community.  A tribe of belonging, a place of knowing to whom one belongs.
I think of Mormonism in that way, a people having formed a tribe held together by beliefs shared in commonality, not necessarily their genetic heritage as a people, but their desire towards a tribal community.

I'm idealizing, and I know it.  I'm remembering the insular environment of being raised in military setting.  I'm remembering the 'ideals' of that environment.  I'm feeling a deep sadness of a history for myself that was more strongly about cutting ties with heritage than reinforcing and growing that much needed tethering.  I wanted to give my children that very tethering.  To the degree that I was successful, I also know there were many areas I could well have been more successful, given them more.  I forgive myself in knowing I did the best I could do at every step of the way, even so, I ache in knowing I could have given them more.  I'm not sure that giving them the map of Mormonism/LDS would have been the answer, even so, it would have been a map with high goals to aim for, given them a bit of the insular against the oft times chaotic waves tossing us to and fro less the  benefit of a map by which to steer and guide our ship.

 Destiny being what destiny is, we are in the places we find ourselves given our life circumstances.  Someone once described how she saw me as a person punching at paper bags in my efforts to take on the world on the terms dealt to me.   I think I understand what she meant with the paper bags analogy.  So much time spent punching at paper bags, time that could have been put to better use in other endeavors.

No Mormonism is not the answer, it is not the sum all or be all and often falls short in helping people who have faced challenges based on their differing realities.  Even so, even with all the peculiarities in the history that makes up Mormonism, even with the out and out wrongness that sometimes permeates the messaging people receive, there is a thread of desire that runs through it all in wanting to be a safe, nurturing, loving community, a people caring for one another, a tribal people.  There is much in the map of Mormon life that is good, wholesome, decent, and while I don't believe that the Mormon way holds a monopoly on those kinds of values, I am coming to believe that it would be a great loss if the Mormon way were to be lost in the landslide that seems to be crushing us globally in these times.   I have a feeling of relief in sensing my internal shift as one of being willing to embrace and letting go of punching paper bags.

Caring for Newborn

My husband just left for work.  We have a morning routine where we exchange thoughts, prayers, blessings for a few moments before he heads out the door.  This morning he played a couple of hymns I like on the piano and I sang along.  Feeling cheerful and uplifted, I told him I am beginning to find my niche within this Mormon structure.   Afterwards, when we shared our together time he said in passing he liked what was happening for me and it was our 'baby'.  Oh so much more profound than he could have known when he said it, I stopped in my tracks to consider it and told him that is exactly what I have been doing since February, like tending to a newborn, I have been giving full borne attention daily to nurturing this newborn, leaving off attending to other elements in my life that for the moment have taken on a lower priority.

A symbolic concept, to be sure, and I like it.  It is our baby, our newborn, and deserving of the attention being given to care for, nurture, and give time for this child to become the center of our lives.  A labor of love,  in the woman's way of creating life, giving birth, attending to the new child.  I love the symbology and it does indeed reflect the loving time we have shared and given to creating this new life.  I hold it dear, we hold it dear.  Amazing what a few words will inspire in imagery.

Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend.  We had a lot of activity in different yet similar arenas over those four days.  We had made plans to meet his son's new baby and it was rescheduled several times - their scheduling conflict, ours, and a holiday in between the original weekend date and when we finally were able to come to a mutually agreeable weekend date.  In between, we have had our baptism, and family coming from out of town and out of state to participate in our baptism.  His daughter was among one who came from out of town to be at our baptism.  She knew of our plans to visit new grandchild, and had offered to have us stay overnight with her and her fiance.  We were appreciative of the offer, and had a thoroughly pleasant visit with both of them.  Next day we went to his son's home to meet new grandchild.  His children were there and it was pleasant enough. There has been a long term estrangement from or with his children so when I say pleasant enough, it means it was awkwardly pleasant for all.  Except for the grandchildren, they are, as most all children are, spontaneous and engaging for their own reasons.   We then visited the cemetery where two of my granddaughters are buried.  Somehow appropriate for Memorial Day weekend.  Drove home again, off to the church for the chili feed.

At the chili feed we met new friends who are from the visiting Ward, had some fun exchanged with them when we explained why we were not going to be at Sunday services in that we planned a drive up the Washington coast to the new town Seabrook or south down the Oregon coast.  Explaining the concept of Seabrook as a new coastal community designed  to be a walk about community and our new friends trying to imagine it brought up the word commune, which became a running joke for all of us over the next two days.  We also met  a young man from the visiting Ward who is stationed at Fort Lewis and will be deploying to Afghanistan in next two weeks.  He shared conversation with my granddaughter and I asked if I could send him letters, post cards, care packages while he is deployed.  He agreed, although, I'm sure he is surrounded by family who will be sending him all those things and more.  Since my granddaughter has her stepfather deployed in Afghanistan just now, it was meaningful to me that this chance encounter with another young soldier headed for the same destination should fall into our laps.

The lovely elderly couple who live in this little village where we live have befriended us and taken us with some affection as a part of their family.  They were charming to my granddaughter as were our newly met friends at the chili feed Saturday night at the church, and again at the camp out Sunday night at the KOA.  At the Saturday chili feed, he quietly gave my granddaughter a Book of Mormon and another book 'As A Mustard Seed' which is a history of the people of our local Ward back to it's formation days. She quietly and graciously accepted his offering.  I'm proud of how gracious she has been with the members of our's and the visiting Ward.  This is not likely quite what she would have put on her list of things I'm going to do on Memorial Day, and yet, I think she thoroughly enjoyed the contact and community on both days.  And we shared a 'Girls' day on Sunday, she and I, with a drive partially down Oregon coast, she did the driving, her car and I think she enjoyed the curves and twists with the enthusiasm of a young driver.

 Our affection for this lovely elderly couple is growing, and since they are in their spry 80's, we know our time with them is short, and we know it will be meaningful.  He is WW 11 veteran, and I made a mental note that he was wearing his cap to the camp out on Memorial Day weekend. We must invite them to dinner at our house soon, they have twice now had us to Sunday dinner at their home.

My husband will be going with his home teaching companion (the same man of the elderly couple I mentioned) early this month and surprisingly (or not) enough their lesson will be on tithing.  Which is the lesson I had to instruct on 3rd Sunday last month.  A person could start to think there is a message we are to be receiving and assimilating.  Since he and I spent a lot of time processing the preparation I put into giving the lesson, he will be using some of that material and reassembling it in his own manner for his home teaching assignment this month.  He and his teaching companion agreed to trade off every month in who would give the lesson, and this month it will be my husband's turn to present the lesson.

I'm still waiting for my visiting teacher assignments, there has been some sort of  interruption for Relief Society President who is taking some time off just now and her newly called Counselors are picking up the slack.  I'm in no hurry, all in good time.  Meanwhile, the studies, podcasts, reading, blogs, books keep my time fully engaged.

'Be Still My Soul'

Baptized and Confirmed weekend of April 30/May 1 in 2011

We both were baptized and confirmed into the LDS church this past weekend.  I wanted to get a placeholder post in place and will return to write more detail in short time.  It was such an intense, moving, emotional experience throughout the weekend and words are just not available to me to adequately describe the depth and sacredness of the experience.  The bare bones is the the experience in and of itself is worthy of a post, and the reconciliation elements with my husband's brothers and cousins and extended family is another emotional aspect of the experience, along with my own personal feelings of being embraced into the family and the church.

Barbara B. Smith influence on Mormon Women at time of ERA

 

It helped me to read what Stephanie posted in eulogizing Barbara B. Smith.  Her expansive description of the time in which Barbara Smith took office of President of Relief Society reflected a time of great inner organizational structural change in the LDS church.  At the time of ERA, I knew little of Mormon faith, beliefs or culture, only that the LDS women were marching in lockstep to help defeat ERA.  At the time I was not in the fullest sense of the feminist movement, but I was in a budding career and much interested in growth of recognition of equal wages for women who found themselves in the workplace (either by choice or economic circumstance).  I recall my thoughts at that time of thorough surprise, puzzlement and even disdain in hearing that Mormon women were not in support of ERA.  How could sisters not support sisters, I wondered.  What was this peculiar belief set that permitted the women to hold to the status quo of too many characteristics on the economic and domestic frontlines belonging to a ‘man’s world’?

Perhaps Barbara B. Smith wasn’t as far off the mark as I believed at the time.  Now that even Mormon women find themselves in the workplace, and not necessarily by choice, but by economic circumstance, women’s rights have taken a slightly backwards step forcing choices to multi-task as wife, mother, parent, and working woman.  The ‘SuperWoman’ as it was thought we women could be in those years of the movement (1970’s n 198'0’s) has proven to be unrealizeable.  Some role element suffers - be it the career, the parent, the wife.   I now believe an economy that forces women into the workforce at the expense of raising their children has consequences for the woman and the children.  Which is not to say it can’t be balanced and done well, but it takes enormous energy and superb help, not always readily or handily available. 

Having said that, I also believe that an economy built on consumerism has worn out it’s welcome and revisiting what we ‘need’ instead of what we ‘want’ is timely.  We may well find out that we need less consumerism and want more time to be in and with family.