Internally my landscape is shifting and I can feel it. Internally I can feel the strong walls of resistance I have built for myself starting to crumble. Which means what, I'm not exactly sure, as I also recognize it wouldn't take much to patch them back up to once again stand strong against .... what ..... influences I think I prefer not to be built into my internal castle. Lying deeper though, protected, insulated is a waking part of my self yearning to fully embrace and take it into myself to own, to cherish, to love, to adore, to nurture, to care for, to share, to give.
Since I last wrote in my blog, I have had opportunity to substitute and fill in teaching for Primary Class for two Sundays. We have had a weekend of family get together and sharing weekend to celebrate mine and my daughter's July birthdays. Last Sunday was 3rd Sunday which is my time to teach the lesson in R.S. and the lesson was a challenge for me; families together for eternity. Knowing I could not teach the 'ideal' of the lesson without also including the reality was the challenge for me in giving the lesson. I think it went as well as could be expected in the framing of the lesson. The women were responsive, engaged, and actually quite helpful in bringing their own material to the lesson.
My husband was called to be pianist for Primary where he has been substituting for past three weeks, which gives release to the woman who has fulfilled that responsibility for years and desirous of release so she could take in other elements of the Sunday services. He is happy with this calling. I am pleased for him, and also feel a bit abandoned as I am left to my own devices in Sunday School lessons and Relief Society lessons. But it is my time of learning, assimilating, integrating, and he is content to learn anew as he sees it through my eyes. I would hazard to guess he is doing his own internal integrating.
Yesterday I listened to another podcast at Mormon Matters, subject was on keeping the weirdness of Mormonism. Somewhere in the middle of the podcast though, as the guest panelists were talking about what works for them, their love of certain doctrines, certain idiosyncrasies, even certain folk lore in what comes together to make up Mormonism, I found myself embracing instead of resisting what I was hearing.
This morning in our typical start the day morning routines, one of which is to start up the laptops and do a quick rundown check of email, I found myself chasing links to Mormon related blogs. In a moment where I spoke aloud thoughts circulating in my mind normally not spoken aloud, I reflected to my husband that I wish I had been raised Mormon, and that I had been able to raise my family in the LDS church. I'm not sure what his internal reaction to my thought was but his face registered surprise, maybe even approving surprise, didn't seem to be startled surprise.
I tried to explain to him that I was appreciating the protective and insulated environment created against distractions from the larger world scope. I was particularly thinking of my years of dance training and the environment of focus created in the dance world. I was thinking of family that could nurture each other and build each other up, appreciate each other for their talents and contributions. I was thinking how I yearned when I began my family to have a better family environment than the one in which I was raised. How I wanted for my children to have the nurture of a close family, none of the emotional onslaughts that wracked my formative years in a hellish dervish. I was thinking that the map laid out by the LDS church, while too tightly woven in some areas, nonetheless provides an 'ideal' to aim for with demonstrable steps in how to at least aim for the ideal. Obviously I don't agree with many of the steps or the ways suggested by this church, but I don't take exception to the effort at community, communality, and working towards achieving nurturing connection points.
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This morning in our few moments before he goes off to his workplace for the day, we share a few quiet moments in prayerful reflection. It isn't always a reverential bowing of the heads in respectful worship kind of prayerfulness. Sometimes it is a brief exchange of deeper thoughts reflected in a few sentences that each of us may take with us into our thoughts while attending to the tasks of the day. Today mention was made again of our appreciation of the Native American spirituality which does not seem to offer condemnation, more ways to be in loving community with each other. Perhaps that is why it has appealed to me, the quiet, steady focus on being a 'people' together in community. A tribe of belonging, a place of knowing to whom one belongs.
I think of Mormonism in that way, a people having formed a tribe held together by beliefs shared in commonality, not necessarily their genetic heritage as a people, but their desire towards a tribal community.
I'm idealizing, and I know it. I'm remembering the insular environment of being raised in military setting. I'm remembering the 'ideals' of that environment. I'm feeling a deep sadness of a history for myself that was more strongly about cutting ties with heritage than reinforcing and growing that much needed tethering. I wanted to give my children that very tethering. To the degree that I was successful, I also know there were many areas I could well have been more successful, given them more. I forgive myself in knowing I did the best I could do at every step of the way, even so, I ache in knowing I could have given them more. I'm not sure that giving them the map of Mormonism/LDS would have been the answer, even so, it would have been a map with high goals to aim for, given them a bit of the insular against the oft times chaotic waves tossing us to and fro less the benefit of a map by which to steer and guide our ship.
Destiny being what destiny is, we are in the places we find ourselves given our life circumstances. Someone once described how she saw me as a person punching at paper bags in my efforts to take on the world on the terms dealt to me. I think I understand what she meant with the paper bags analogy. So much time spent punching at paper bags, time that could have been put to better use in other endeavors.
No Mormonism is not the answer, it is not the sum all or be all and often falls short in helping people who have faced challenges based on their differing realities. Even so, even with all the peculiarities in the history that makes up Mormonism, even with the out and out wrongness that sometimes permeates the messaging people receive, there is a thread of desire that runs through it all in wanting to be a safe, nurturing, loving community, a people caring for one another, a tribal people. There is much in the map of Mormon life that is good, wholesome, decent, and while I don't believe that the Mormon way holds a monopoly on those kinds of values, I am coming to believe that it would be a great loss if the Mormon way were to be lost in the landslide that seems to be crushing us globally in these times. I have a feeling of relief in sensing my internal shift as one of being willing to embrace and letting go of punching paper bags.
Showing posts with label podcasts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label podcasts. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Snippets
Salvation not condemnation. Our Bishop said this simple little phrase a couple Sundays ago, in the context of an announcement and not buried in a talk. I wrote the phrase down. I like it. And I believe he meant it to mean something for each of us, as in pointing a direction.
A mature couple from our region spoke this Sunday of their experience of senior missionary work in England. I enjoyed listening to both of them speak and with great humility about their time spent in helping with a youth camp in England. They are planning another mission and will be leaving again soon. They live in one of our coastal small communities. Part of their talk was to encourage some of us in our retired years to step up to this opportunity of senior missionary work.
I was particularly taken by how she, as a mother, included in her presentation letters she had solicited from her adult children in how they managed in their parents' absence. They have ten children, I believe she said, and she probably read about six of the brief letters. She talked about the events in their lives she had missed while they were away in England. As I listened, I felt my own stomach tightening knowing that should my children be having such events in their lives, my immediate reaction would be to get back home to be with them. As if my being there with them would somehow ameliorate the circumstance they were having to face. She spoke of one adult child who had cancer, another adult child who lost their business, another adult child who lost business and employment and decided to enlist in the Army (my immediate thoughts of Afghanistan deployment), another adult child who was married, and another adult child who had birthed a new baby.
Afterwards I spoke with them and asked her how she was able to remain overseas with these events happening in her children's lives. The answer she gave me resonated with me in a useful way as I deal with my own feelings regarding the geographical distance with my own adult children as they cope with events in their lives. She said, 'you know how as a mother you don't tell your children everything about how you are feeling because you don't want to burden them; well it's true in reverse too. The children didn't tell me everything while I was gone, and I learned of some of these events after we returned.'
It was a good reminder for me. I know my children don't tell me even a percentage of what is going on with them as events occur in their lives, until after they have dealt with it in their own way. They tell me after the fact and more to let me know that they did deal with it and did so in a responsible manner. As my own instincts shout at me that I would have wanted to drop everything and rush to their side, that is not quite what they are wanting from me. They want to reassure me that they handled and managed their challlenges, and explain how they managed it. And even though they have been adults managing their lives for some time now, and my head knows this absolutely, my heart feelings do not match up with my head thoughts on the matter.
Enough snippets for now. We received our copies of our baptism papers, which, and I must smile when I share this, I have put away in the big, old fashioned King James leather bound, Family Bible, replete with family history, color picture sections with copies of some of the old painting masters biblical interpretations. It's an tradition from yesteryear, I know, but it brings me comfort. Many families had one of those big ol' Family Bibles, where record keeping was done. I believe my mother still has hers.
This morning I listened to an exceptional podcast, or at least I found it to be exceptional. The tone was respectful and honored the fact of the courage of some of the men who have made an impact on the direction of the church. It was not a hail to the chiefs kind of talk, rather the speaker, author Greg Prince who gave the presentation spoke of these men as people of courage while reminding us they were not sainted, rather men of their era and historical times, engaged in trying to lead a church in directions it may not have wished to be led, the men being a bit quietly resolute and therefore a bit extraordinary in being willing to hold the line in leading in a difficult direction.
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Link and a copy/paste of the promo of the podcast.
As a part of the March 2011 Mormon Stories Conference in New York City, author Greg Prince spoke on the topic of 21st Century Lessons from Three 20th Century Men: David O. McKay, Leonard Arrington and Paul H. Dunn.
Greg Prince is the author of David O. McKay and the Rise of Modern Mormonism. He is currently working on biographies of both LDS Church Historian Leonard Arrington and deceased LDS General Authority Paul H. Dunn.
And I'm inclined to get down the words I heard her husband say at the end of his part of the presentation. Words I am more familiar with and can say with comfort; 'I know the gospel is true, I know Jesus is the Christ, I know He is our Redeemer and Savior'.
Also because the talks today in the last meetings had a focus on choice, and free agency, I could strongly feel the comfort of words I liked saying in our Episcopal days. It gave me comfort in the acknowledgement that it is impossible not to have made mistakes throughout the week, that those omissions could be forgiven, and that I might do better in the week to come.
Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We are truly sorry and we humbly repent. For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us; that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Amen.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
That's a Heck of a Lot of Podcasts!
Listening to the podcasts was not suggested, more my personal sense of urgency in wanting to learn a multi-dimensional view of this enigma that is Mormonism. Appreciating that the milk before meat approach is a favored teaching approach, I wanted a more comprehensive pace. I was pleased to have available time to listen to the podcasts providing a multitude of viewpoints. The young missionaries were curious about what podcasts we are listening to, the content, where we found them and did not appear to know what a podcast is, although I'm guessing they just hadn't heard the name podcasts applied to audio interviews via online/internet.
The format for the interviews typically has the interviewee share his/her background as it relates to the Mormon faith. The similarities are such that even I, a newcomer, can begin to cite the sequence of events; raised LDS, attended primary, baptized, priesthood, young women's, mission, temple recommend, marriage in temple, callings, active (or inactive), generational Mormon (6th or 7th generation) and then the 'crisis of faith'. Typically, it is when person learns of some element of Mormon history that doesn't sit well with their values or what they have been taught in church over the years. The rest of the interview is about their personal struggle with the church, their decision to remain, to leave, or somewhere else on the continuum. Most of the persons interviewed are educated, college level (mostly BYU), BA and working on Ph.D or have their Ph.D.
I feel intellectually (a word I heard a great deal in the interviews and one my husband has used with frequency over the years) satiated. And for me, that is half the equation - the logic, the reasoning, the intellectual understanding. With that, I think I'll be okay within this belief structure. I am beginning to develop an appreciation for how they view the biblical storyline in a different light, and yet, it is the same storyline with distinct and added elements making it a unique belief set. Ahh, but I have experienced other belief sets that have their distinct hallmarks setting them apart from other belief sets. Interestingly, there is still commonalities among most of them. I wonder if it is possible to focus on the commonalities, what people share in common in this experience of living life, while retaining the distinctions that simultaneously set them apart?
I have logged 77 listening hours to Mormon Stories Podcasts. Episode list of episodes I or we have heard and discussed.
015: Mormon Stages of Faith Pt. 1: An Introduction to Fowler’s “Stages of Faith”
016: Mormon Stages of Faith Pt. 2: An LDS Perspective on Fowler’s Stages of Faith
017: Mormon Stages of Faith Pt. 3: Tom and Dan’s Journey into Stage 4
115: Mormonism and James Fowler’s Stage 5
Episode 4: Mormon Feminism, Women, and Claudia Bushman Part 1
Episode 5: Mormon Feminism, Women, and Claudia Bushman Part 2
001: Kiddie Baps…My Mission Experience in Guatemala
Episode 12: Inoculating the Saints (with Kevin Barney, Blake Ostler and Mike Ash)
Episode 13: Our Discussion on Inoculating the Saints Pt. 1
Episode 14: Our Discussion on Inoculating the Saints Pt. 2
4 Episodes; 149-152: LDS Anthropologist Daymon Smith on Post-Manifesto Polygamy, Correlation, the Corporate LDS Church, and Mammon
4 Episodes 164-167: Richard Packham and How the LDS Church Creates Unnecessary Enemies
3 Episodes 154-156: An LDS Family Discusses Their Divorce
3 Episodes 129-131: Feminist Mormon Housewives Founder Lisa Butterworth
126-128: Born Again Mormon Shawn McCraney (Video and Audio)
116: John Hamer Part 1 — The LDS Succession Crisis of 1844 and the Beginnings of the RLDS Church
117: John Hamer Part 2 — From RLDS to the Community of Chris
114: Mormon Expression Interviews John Dehlin
077 (Aud): Understanding the Mormon “September 6″ — Paul Toscano Pt. 1
078 (Aud): Understanding the Mormon “September 6″ — Paul Toscano Pt. 2
079 (Aud): Understanding the Mormon “September 6″ — Paul Toscano Pt. 3
080 (Aud): Understanding the Mormon “September 6″ — Paul Toscano Pt. 4
081 (Aud): Understanding the Mormon “September 6″ — Paul Toscano Pt. 5
082 (Aud): Understanding the Mormon “September 6″ — Paul Toscano Pt. 6
083 (Aud): Understanding the Mormon “September 6″ — Paul Toscano Pt. 7
062 (Aud): Women in the LDS Church Part 6 – Margaret Merrill Toscano: The Early Years
063 (Aud): Women in the LDS Church Part 7 – Margaret Merrill Toscano: Becoming a Mormon Feminist
064 (Aud): Women in the LDS Church Part 8 – Margaret Merrill Toscano: Reactions to Dissent
065 (Aud): Women in the LDS Church Part 9 – Margaret Merrill Toscano: On the church, priesthood and Mother God
066: Women in the LDS Church Part 10 – The LDS Church’s Opposition to the Equal Rights Amendment
067: Women in the LDS Church Part 11 – A Gift Given, A Gift Taken: Washing, Anointing, and Blessing the Sick Among Mormon Women
055: Women in the LDS Church Part 1: An Introduction
056: Women in the LDS Church Part 2: The Three Waves of Feminism in the USA
057: Women in the LDS Church Part 3: An Interivew with Dr. Claudia L. Bushman
058: Women in the LDS Church Part 4: 19th and Early 20th Century Mormon Women (with Dr. Claudia Bushman)
059: Women in the LDS Church Part 5: 19th and Early 20th Century Mormon Women Part 2 (with Dr. Claudia Bushman)
047: Richard Bushman Part 1 — Experiences as a Faithful Mormon Historian
048: Richard Bushman Part 2 – The Art of History, Joseph Smith’s First Vision Stories, and Joseph’s Participation in Folk Magic and Treasure Digging
049: Richard Bushman Part 3 – Joseph Smith and the Translation of the Book of Mormon Pt. 1
050: Richard Bushman Part 4 – Book of Mormon Historicity and the 3 and 8 Witnesses to the Book of Mormon
051: Richard Bushman Part 5 – Final Thoughts (For now)
030: An Insider’s View of Mormon Origins Part 1–Grant Palmer’s Early Years
031: An Insider’s View of Mormon Origins Part 2–The Mark Hofman Bombings, and Grant Palmer’s Deep Dive into LDS History
032: An Insider’s View of Mormon Origins Part 3–An Overview of Mormon Origins by Grant Palmer
033: An Insider’s View of Mormon Origins Part 4–Grant’s Trial and Disfellowship, Thoughts on the Church’s Future, and Closing Testimony
022: Black and Mormon — The Darron Smith Story Pt. 1
023: Black and Mormon — The Darron Smith Story Pt. 2
024: Black and Mormon — The Darron Smith Story Pt. 3
026: Blacks and the LDS Priesthood: An Interview with Darius Gray and Margaret Young
018: New Order Mormons Pt. 1: Ann’s Story
025: New Order Mormons Pt. 2: Ann’s Story
In this 5-part series, Brian Johnston (StayLDS.com) interviews Jared Anderson
- Part 1: Introduction. Jared discusses the meaning of New Testament scholarship and an academic viewpoint of scripture, how we know what we know including what happened in the past, and the difference between academic and faith perspectives. Jared begins an overview of the New Testament books from a scholarly perspective in chronological order — 1 Thessalonians through Galatians.
- Part 2: Scholarly overview of the New Testament – Philemon through the Gospel of Mark
- Part 3: Scholarly overview of the New Testament – Gospel of Matthew through Titus
- Part 4: Scholarly overview of the New Testament books – Gospel of John through 2 Peter. Jared also discusses who Jesus was as a historical figure, the evidence for his existence, and how we can determine what he likely said and did. Jared also gives an overview of the formation, transmission and translation of the Bible we read today.
- Part 5: Discussion of Jared’s personal journey, relationship to Mormonism and academia, and he explains how he integrates his academic views with his faith.
In this 4-part series we interview Dan Wotherspoon, Mormonism Broad and Deep
In this 5 part interview we speak with LDS feminist Tresa Edmunds. Tresa is an active, believing member of the LDS church, and writes for several online blogs including: Feminist Mormon Housewives under the name Reese Dixon
In this 3 part episode, Natasha Helfer Parker interviews Dr. Jennifer Finlayson- Fife, a psychotherapist on issues surrounding female sexuality and feminism within the LDS framework.
I logged 22 listening hours to Mormon Expressions. Probably more, but these are the episodes I remember hearing.
Episode 99: The God Makers Reviewed
Mormon Expression 96: Bishop Higgins
Episode 95a: Doctrine and Covenants 132 for Dummies Part 1
Episode 95b: Doctrine and Covenants 132 for Dummies part 2
Episode 94: Mixed feelings for Mormonism
Episode 89a: The 14 Fundamentals of Following a Prophet for Dummies Part 1
Episode 89b: The 14 Fundamentals of Following a Prophet for Dummies Part 2
Episode 86: Mormon Meeting House Architecture
Episode 84: The Church Handbook of Instructions for Dummies
Episode 83: 2010 General Relief Society Meeting
Episode 81: Mormon Ad Campaign
Episode 79a: Mormon Stories and Mormon Expression Part 1
Episode 79b: Mormon Stories and Mormon Expression Part 2
Episode 81: Mormon Ad Campaign
Episode 76: Mistakes were Made: How not to Leave the Church
Episode 38: Stages of Faith Part 2: The Fifth Stage and What it Means
Episode 1: Leaving the Church but not Leaving it Alone
Episode 2: Internet vs. Chapel Mormons
Episode 97: The Utah Boy’s Ranch
Episode 118a Polygamy Manifesto for Dummies, Part 1
Episode 118b Polygamy Manifesto for Dummies, Part 2
Episode 113 Belief and Alma 32
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