New Ward, Cathedral, Grandchildren

Last post shows as Aug 2012.  Now it is July 2013, with almost a year passing in which I have not posted to this blog. Which does not mean that my mind has been quiet over this past year.  Quick catch up;  continuing to attend LDS church, study of the Book of Mormon in the Sunday School class, appreciating the sense of community via Relief Society, and one on one participation with the members in various forms and callings.  Continuing as 3rd Sunday R.S. teacher which is intriguing challenge to me in teaching via the narrative while holding as true as I can to my own sense of the narrative.  Continuing R.S. visiting teaching, and sometimes finding the visits admirable, other times not so much.  Continuing preparing meals for the missionaries, visiting at homes of members in difficult circumstances, and enjoying the participation in the social activities as put on by the Ward.

In December 2012 my daughter asked for our help in watching her two little ones as she took on a promotion that would scramble her hours in a non-consistent work schedule manner.  The continued emphasis in R.S. on the grandparenting element of families gets to me in that I miss my own grandchildren who are scattered about living in different geographical locations.  It seems I have three sets of two; 2 granddaughters in colleges in different locations, 2 grandchildren who are now into their teens and tweens having grown up as children of military parent with father deployed three different times (Iraq twice, Afghanistan once) over the children's growing up years and they have lived in multiple military bases over the years, and lastly these 2 grandchildren who are young enough at 7 and 8 years for us to still have an investment in their growing up years.   My husband, supporting my wish to have more immediate connection and contact with grandchildren agreed to the arrangement to provide after school care for them.  It meant living across the state from our home and living for a time in my daughter's home.

Skipping the challenges that all of us had over the period of time we did live in my daughter's home, we found it more comfortable to take on temporary situation of finding our own apartment, while keeping our home on the other side of the state.  We found relief in some of the challenges, the grandchildren more receptive to our focused attention on them specifically, the parents more relieved to focus on their own employment and parenting challenges.  This is their second go around in parenting as they have a daughter they already raised attending college.  I detect some degree of exhaustion in both parents, yet they persevere and that speaks well of them, imo.  These are energetic youngsters that keep us on our toes all the time!

In the interim, we felt blessed to take the grandchildren with us to our new Ward, and they seemed to take well to the 3 hour block.  A dramatic shift for them in very irregular church attendance to three hours all at once.  They seemed to adapt well.   I found the urban Ward setting considerably different from the rural Ward we attended in our small town on the other side of the state.  Younger people, younger families, energy abounding and I could be telling of my own insecurities yet it felt like these young people weren't sure what to do with us 'older people'.   I immediately missed my former Ward, the R.S. women I knew and loved and the people of the Ward whom I'd come to have great affection.

It occurs to me that the older people in my former Ward give us immediately something in common - our age, many of us retired, many of grandparents.  While there were some young families with children and they were respectful to those of us who had a longer lifeline, I realized that I had cut my teeth in a Ward with people who already had commonalities with me in living rural, retired, and reaching that period of life that is less busy with tending to children and growing family.  Now I found myself in a Ward that was abuzz with activities related to a younger mindset, growing their families, growing their careers and economic status.  I found myself feeling like I didn't really fit well here whereas the Ward I came from it was easy to become part of their community.

In short time we learned of a disturbing situation that had emerged in the new Ward.  There was a newly called Bishop, young man with family, capable and able. He was called because the Bishop called before him had resigned within a week of being called.  He and his wife were still members of the Ward. In fact, his wife is one of the Primary Teachers and was very warm, responsive in taking the initiative to get our grandchildren into their classes. However, the reason he had resigned was what was disturbing for me.  He held the position in former President Bush administration as the psychologist who developed interrogation techniques that amounted to torture, ie, waterboarding of detainees post 9/11.   (link to newpaper article reporting on the incident)

Given my years of advocacy against U.S. invasion of Iraq, therefore the abhorrent behaviors that followed the invasion, it was difficult to reconcile my own political, personal beliefs against what I learned about the calling of this Bishop in this Ward.  The Ward was new to me, yet my activities in the decade following 9/11 were not new to me.  I had much difficulty reconciling within myself, recognizing that my maturity would be invaluable aid to me, I couldn't reconcile having my young grandchildren in an exposed and vulnerable position, given that they were not familiar with the LDS church belief set.  It was an uncomfortable development.

 I had initially been pleased to introduce the youngsters to the LDS church setting, even having awareness that both my husband and I would take exception to some of the Church teachings.  We believed we could work with the children and their parents in finding a balance in how the children would assimilate the teachings.  However, we were less confident we could find a way to explain to the children the vast discrepancy between what we stood for over the past decade and therefore against, and a church calling that embraced what we had stood against in their calling of the man whose profession was an affront and insulting to our own values.  Appreciating that this is God's judgment to make, not mine, does not negate the reality of the very real human dilemma for us in dealing appropriately with the particular circumstance in which we found ourselves with regard to the grandchildren.

As we explored our new surroundings in the city to which we were living, we had occasion and frankly reason to visit what was a well known tourist visitation site, in St John Episcopal Cathedral situated on a well known hill location causing the Cathedral to overlook the city.   Built in gothic architectural tradition, we were fortunate on the day of our visit that there was to be a tour of the Cathedral, and we were the only two this particular day to be taking the tour, meaning we were given very much one on one attention to the details of the Cathedral building.

We were in awe of the sacred beauty of the Cathedral, in search of a safe, temporary spiritual home in the plight of our experience with our new Ward.  It made sense to us to attend a familiar worship service, given that we had spent several years in an Episcopal chapel environment in our home town before our time with the LDS Ward in the same town.   The Episcopal congregation was comprised of older people who had long history with their Parish, going back to the days before it was built, raising money to build it, and a lifetime of attendance and service from their congregational positions in their Episcopal Parish church.

We were among the youngest in attendance and we were already approaching our senior years.  We were 'hands-on' in many capacities within the church given that it was a small, rural church.  At the time, we sometimes felt we could not keep up of all that was asked of us, in addition to the timing of our own activism roles as military family in the protestation of the Iraq war.  We eventually devoted our time to the activism in hopes of contributing to being a part of bringing the Iraq war to a quick close before more lives, those of our own military men and women and those of Iraqi civilian men, women and children were lost in war.  

We saw this, felt this as a ministry we were called to at that time and place in history, more so than the hands on assistance in the liturgy services within the chapel that commanded our time on Sundays at the expense of sharing the news of a different kind of ministry given our role as military family opposed to the war in Iraq.  We were often invited to speak at large conventions and this often time meant weekend travel, precluding our presence at the Chapel on Sundays, also preparations that demanded a good deal of our time impeding the time we were able to give to the liturgy with the Parish congregation.

Providing this background material to show some of the reasoning as to our decision to attend services at St John's Episcopal Cathedral, giving us a bit of spiritual rest we badly needed at that time.  We took both grandchildren, and granddaughter immediately wanted to participate as an Acolyte, and she was quickly accommodated, thus began her walk as an Acolyte in the Liturgical procession and service within the realm of the Cathedral, itself a testimony to a long and cherished Christian tradition.  

We invited our daughter and son-in-law to visit a service, they did and my daughter had no difficulty in announcing to me she found the liturgy boring, that there wasn't much about it that resonated with her.  We attended the church service of an Evangelical Community Church they attend, complete coffee, comfortable chairs, a band and concert, a big screen projecting the talks/sermons, huge collection buckets, different buildings where the children attended children services, age-related.  I could definitely see the attraction for my daughter, given that the services seem completely arranged to be attractive to a younger set - a younger set that is abuzz with energy and it is indeed a lively service.   Perhaps more lively than my many years are accustomed in what has become my perspective of a 'sacred' worship service.

After the initial exchanges of visiting my church and I'll visit yours, I was pleased the parents permitted us to continue to take the children to worship services, first at the Ward, then to the Episcopal Cathedral, although grandson discontinued attending very shortly after those first visits.  Granddaughter continues with her Acolyte duties, be it carrying the cross, or the book from which the gospel is read, holding the thanksgiving plate, or helping lead the younger children into the Cathedral to be welcomed into the Communion.

Since we have moved into our apartment, and the situation has settled down some with continuing to watch our grandchildren, only in our own setting, not in their home, giving us some license to interact with them on our terms, respectful of their parents' wishes.  It is a reciprocal relationship in that their parents trust their children in our care and find it desirous even that we can offer them different forms of exposure and stimulation, reinforce values and standards as contributed by their parents, adding a few 'old fashioned' type values and standards of our own and we trust the parents in their care of their children, even as some of their values and standards differ from ours.

We are blessed in the Episcopal setting to have a Dean so willing to share abundantly not only his seminary training with us in his teachings, sermons, but as well giving a strong sense of the directions the Church is taking in shaking loose some of it's older, traditional viewpoints to embrace this time in history as many churches of many denominations, including LDS, struggle in attempt to read the barometers of what it means to be Christian in these times.  Of recent climatic change for the LDS Church to take on is the ruling of the Supreme Court on the issue of gay marriage and their new rights to federal level benefits just those of heterosexual marriages.

We are also blessed in the Episcopal setting to attend services within the Cathedral which is not typical of the Episcopal arrangement.  Typically congregational parish activities take place in a Parish chapel, not the Diocesan Cathedral.  This Cathedral is different in that regard in that it absorbed 3 of the city parishes when it was being built and continues to offer the building for services that would otherwise be performed in a chapel setting, as well as the multitude of services, performances, concerts that happen in Cathedral setting.  We are privileged to be able to take advantage of attendance to any and all activities held at the Cathedral, as is the public at large welcomed.  There is not a requirement that one be an Episcopal or baptized Episcopal.  All baptisms are honored as legitimate.  One can be confirmed to the Episcopal Church by their baptism be that baptism be within the Episcopal belief set or another belief set.

In my own story, I have felt the spirit in different denominations that I attended as a young child, a teen, and young adult and walked down the aisle to affirm my belief in the Saviour, agreeing to be baptized and I have been several times in different denominations that insist that only their belief set is the correct authority, therefore rendering my previous baptisms void....and it was so for my baptism in the LDS Church, even though my explanation that I had been baptized in several denominations, confirmed in the Episcopal faith, and did not see the value in yet another baptism in the LDS Church.  However, the LDS belief that they are the 'true' and 'restored' church and that whatever holy spirit, holy ghost, connection to Jesus and God I had before exposure to the LDS Church was not in it's own right good enough, strong enough or however it was stated to me, although intended to be lovingly stated, underscored the arrogance I came to see as part of the narrative of the LDS membership that this is the only true church.

I did gain a testimony, still have a testimony, only it is of Joseph Smith and far from the traditional narrative that he was a prophet, establishing the restored church, therefore the true church, the authority of the priesthood and that only by the keys of this priesthood could one walk their journey of progression.  However, this is my logical and intellectual pursuits, it is not my emotional response to the church membership.  It is exactly that emotional reaction and response that is triggered for me in appreciating that the good the LDS Church has to offer is comparable to other denominations, however, I do believe the LDS Church has a corner on building community and fellowship that other denominations might well envy.  And I say that with a smile and love in my heart.

Two of the young missionaries called on us recently while we were attending to the grandchildren.  We invited them in, and I asked them to give a lesson to the grandchildren.  Gotta love those young missionaries who in all earnestness, with sincerity of heart and the brightness that young people have, gave my grandchildren a heartfelt lesson based on their beliefs in the narrative of the LDS Church.   The children were attentive and fascinated.    We are known to our new Ward and it is my wish to pay a visit to our newest Ward, experience once again an urban setting with young, growing families, a Ward abuzz with energy, prosperity and see what kind of fit it has for us.   We reference it to the grandchildren as the 3 hour church to differentiate it from the 1 hour Episcopal church.  It's not easy to get that title, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or LDS or Mormon explained easily to the grandchildren, without a bit more exposure to the teachings.  Maybe, the Lord willing, and with God's help, we will find a home in our new Ward that can be an extension of our home in the Episcopal Cathedral.  

At the bible studies at the Cathedral, we are able to share some of the beliefs of the LDS church in a productive manner that meets with respect among the people at the study.  One of the men there told a story of two young missionary women who came to his home and asked what they might do to be of service to him, how they might help him, what he might need help with, could they perhaps clean the area alongside his driveway for him.  He agreed, they worked and worked hard, he brought them some gloves to soften the potential of callouses on their hands.  He was impressed with the young women and their devotion.  He did not know they were Mormon, he didn't have preconceived ideas about what that might mean, he shared with the class his appreciation for what those young women did in sharing service with him.   We affirmed his story in the approach the LDS Church is taking in encouraging the young missionaries to offer services, less proselytizing at initial contact and demonstrating what service can mean.  I am pleased and impressed with his story, we are pleased to be able to share our own experiences of the LDS Church.

Somehow though, I rather don't think that if I were to share the experiences of the Episcopal Church in an LDS meeting that it would meet with as much receptiveness as was met in the sharing of our LDS experience at our Episcopal bible study in the Cathedral.  It's a wait and see experience.  Having already attempted many times to share the broader Christian experiences I've had when I was in the LDS meetings at my former Ward, it was met with awkward, uncomfortable silence, and a quick reaction by someone or several to correct and adjust my perspectives to alignment with the LDS narrative.  I would expect something similar were I to share such again at this new Ward, however, I am content to wait and see, and within the LDS language, respectfully share what have been my other experiences that also equate to the Christian message.  

I miss the community and fellowship, and while we have placed ourselves in a self-appointed exile from the Church, it has not been the position of the Church or the membership to exile us from fellowship as members of the community.  That is an emotional experience that does not have as much to do with exchanges about theology, beliefs, doctrine, dogma, as much as it has to do with genuine human connection, and via human companionship, connection, a connection to our Lord, to Heavenly Father and part of the human community of being Children of God.

Cleared for Baptism - April 30, 2011

Had another missionary lesson/discussion last week, March 9th.  And this time the young missionary brought with him the mission leader, another young, energetic missionary.  We started off the discussion in good hearted and light humor, and as it turned out it was a planned 'interview' with questions put to me that I was to answer...yes, those questions that have concerned me like do you believe Joseph Smith was a prophet; do you believe the Book of Mormon; will you live the Word of Wisdom, and on down the list.  Then I was given a samll card with the last questions which are of an intrusive and sensitive nature, and instructions to merely answer yes or no.  Uh, more about this in another post, and I could answer no easily enough, yet it was very worrisome to me that if I had reason to answer yes, what would be the next steps, and if I had answered yes, that would mean these young men would now know something about very personal decisions which are not the business of the church in any capacity.

But that is not the purpose of this post.  So, I am good to go now in proceeding with baptism, and the young missionaries are most pleased.   Next, we are waiting for Arthur's follow up interview with the Bishop.  The women's monthly potluck dinner is scheduled for the next evening, and the Bishop is agreeable to doing the interview with Arthur during that time.   I had a pleasant time at the potluck meal - the feminine influence was there with beautiful roses on the tables, tablecloths, and a set up for a lovely shared meal.

Arthur and the Bishop showed up after the meal was fininshed (some thoughtful women had taken plates into the Bishop's office for he and Arthur), and Arthur is cleared to proceed with baptsim.  Now it is a matter of setting the date.  The Bishop was slightly disappointed that we needed to put it out into April, but understands why as we are coordinating a date with Arthur's brothers from Utah to be here for the baptsim.  He informs Arthur that one of the young missionaries may be reassigned within the next two weeks and was hopeful to be here for the baptisms.

Next day is the horrific tsunami that did so much damage to Japan.  We are on tsunami alert here in Western WA on the coastline which is where we live.  Spent an anxious day.  The young missionary phones during that day to inquire about Arthur's interview with Bishop, to which I tell him that he has been cleared to proceed with baptism, and the potential date.  He is disappointed that the date is out so far, catches himself and rearranges his expression to one of congratulatory rather than disappointment.  I tell him that I will see if we can move the date up prior to the other Elder's mission reassignment date, and he is pleased.

Quick exchanges with Arthur's brothers and they cannot be freed up to get here earlier than April, if anything the date is pushed even futher out in April to the last weekend.  I phone the young missionary to advise we weren't able to get the date early enough, but would it be okay to phone the Misson President to ask permission that both missionaries be freed up that day to attend.  He is pleased with the suggestion, and provides me the contact information, although he is not optimistic that special allowance will be given.

Church on Sunday, which is quiet and uneventful.   It was the weekend of the Daylight Savings time change, to switch the clocks an hour forward (Fall Back/Spring Forward).  Many were not at church Sunday, likely due to the time changes and their clocks were not yet on Daylight Savings time.

Putting a human face on the story of Joseph Smith

Lesson with the missionaries again tonight, and they wanted us to watch hour long dvd with them, give a bit of relief to the discussions.  I don't recall the exact title of the dvd, but it is an updated depiction of the life of Joseph Smith.  Some things I did not know about the traumas that shaped him in his early life;

-- trauma 1; he was a small 7 year old boy with a residual after effect of typhus - leg injury requiring surgical removal of tissue.  Spent some years crippled using a cane.

-- trauma 2; his older brother Alvin, 25, dies.  Religious belief sets at that time Second Awakening, Restoration included some harsh (imo) beliefs about damnation, hell, baptism, salvation.  Likely Joseph was told his brother was among those lost as he had not been baptized, was not saved, hell-bound.  (It is said this influenced Joseph Smith's later thinking in regards to baptism for the dead).

-- trauma 3; stillborn deaths of four (4) of their children - Joseph and Emma Smith.  Another of their children died at 14 months.

This portion of the dvd really struck a chord with me.  While I am not at a place to believe that what came next with the visions was inspired of God inasmuch as I am greatly willing to believe Joseph was spiritual in his questing and believed his vision to be real to him, many pieces of this puzzle clicked together for me in appreciating the very human, psychological aspects that made up parts of Joseph Smith's early years that would have a great influence on the visions and his structuring of what became the basis of Mormonism.

I was so taken by the human portrayal that I want to watch this dvd again, take it in sections, stop it at certain points and study it out.  I asked the young missionary how I might obtain a copy and he provided the resources where he thought it might be available for purchase, and the other young missionary said he had a copy he could loan to us.  He went out to his car to get it, and I am much pleased we will be able to view it as a study reference.

There did come a point in the dvd where it did seem the efforts to elevate Joseph Smith status shifted him out of the human-ness as portrayed in the earlier part of the dvd to a place of close to worship.  I'm sure as we watch the dvd together again, I may want to write about the portrayal of various stages of his life in the dvd, which will of necessity being church produced paint a more glowing portrait against so much of what has been written about his less than savory characteristics as a person.

The dvd did evoke strong feelings in me, leaving me with a more empathetic view of the course of history that birthed Mormonism.  I'll be getting back to writing about my impressions.

A btw, we began reading 'The Mormon Hierarchy Origins of Power' by D. Michael Quinn and the first two chapters are so thoroughly involved with explaining the concepts of Authority and Priesthood and who holds what authority and why and the march down the hierarchal chain of command, that I soon lost interest in trying to visualize all these men vying for some place of position, authority and relevance in this formation.  I'm fairly content to let the men mill about figuring out who is head of what and has keys to what and so on and so on as men are prone to do.  Unless or until they are stepping on my toes or those of the people I hold dear, the Men's Club can enjoy whatever it is that makes Men's Clubs attractive to them.  I mean no disrespect, truly, but as I listened I could feel the dinner burning in the oven, the dishes piling up, the kids crying as their needs went unmet, the laundry backing up and on and on and on as that is so much of what women do irrespective of all the other jobs they may choose to do alongside their jobs in their homes.

I said that I was willing to 'default' on the whole men's priesthood authority thing for now.  I didn't grow up inside this church, and am not beholden to a male ordered authority structuring and am perhaps less likely to feel the compression of my identity as it is defined within this church structure.  Not wishing to get sidetracked into a discussion of gender roles, gender identity, it provides me some element of relief that my adult life was not lived under these constraints.  Even as I don't fully agree that the eruption of women's choices and roles as I experienced in that second wave of feminism (1970s) was a balanced social reaction, I also don't agree that keeping women's roles in their status quo was useful nor indicative of personal growth for women.  I have said to my own children (now grown) that I don't regret the opportunity I had for career development, but that I would have preferred the timing to be different, not simultaneous to the time of raising children.  But I do digress.

This may have to do with a mellowing of my attitude about Joseph Smith as the originator of much of the LDS doctrines that seem odd in their male authority over women.   When I can see him as a human, a person, a boy, get some sense of his background, the historical time of religion that shaped his own religious/spiritual formation, I can get past the chagrin I have felt for him with regard to my sense of an oppressiveness of women to see him in a more personal manner.  Less the charlatan portrayal, certainly not the saintly deity portrayal and a somewhat more balanced view of a human making his way in the world, asking those angst kinds of questions we all ask, and looking for better answers than were being provided him at that time.

Say Whattttt !!

Another lesson with the missionaries yesterday.   By now at home I have several bible translations in use, KJV, The Oxford Bible Commentary, and a Catholic Bible, along with a New International Version (which I haven't yet used in these studies).  Meanwhile Arthur has been pulling out book after book from his collection of books from over the years in both his ardentness and his disaffectedness along with a goodly number of LDS related magazines he collected.  Elder M. gifted me a new Big Letter version of the three books in one = Book of Mormon (BOM), Doctrines and Covenants (D & C), and  Pearl of Great Price (POGP), which elicted one of Arthur's joking comments to which the young missionary said simply 'it's so she can do her homework'.  He had asked me to review some verses as homework.  He also gifted us an hour long dvd, The Testaments.

Between all that material, and my own questing via internet gobbling up information that I can get to as fast as the hours permit, I've no shortage of reading material.  Hello life, some things are not getting done, and I'm not complaining, as this learning curve phase can't go on indefinitely, can it?

I'm intrigued because we read Matthew 26: 36-55, then John 18: 33-37 and then Matthew 27: 45-54 when Elder M. mentioned that it was curious that Matthen 27; 9 indicated 'Jeremy the prophet'.    And sure enough it does in the KJV.  No way...Jeremy?!    That wasn't a name commonly used in those biblical writings.  Jeremy?   I told him it had piqued my curiosity and I was going to chase it down.  Which is what I did today. And thus begins the old dialogue about bible translations, bible translators and agendas for books of the bible.   I made a mental note and told myself, I'm not going there, been there many times before and it becomes a circuitous chasing my tail to little or no avail (ah, a poetic rhyme).

It's been mentioned a few times in my learnings that the gospel of Matthew may have had a strong agenda to favor the Romans (might have been politically expedient at that time to do so) with a slant against the Jews of that time making the Jews out to be more villainous than was perhaps accurate.   I can somewhat be dismissive of the Jeremy the prophet as written in Matthew, but it is rather indicative of a square peg being fitted to a round hole.  Some bible translations reference it as Jeremias the prophet, or Jeremiah the prophet, however the reference to the Old Testament book that speaks of Jeremiah is not the book of Jeremiah but the book of Zechariah.

Nonetheless, I can live with this and sort of wonder why young Elder M. mentioned it.   Moving on.

Reading Matthew 27: 45-54, Jesus being crucified which is an oh so familiar story, having heard it, read it, seen it so many times over my life time....but what is this verse 51 - 53; the veil of the temple was rent in two, the earth quakes, the rocks rent, and the graves were opened and many bodies of the saints which slept arose and came out of the graves after his ressurection and went into the holy city and appeared to many.

What!   I don't recall any time that this portrayal of saints arising from the dead and heading out to the holy city was part of the crucifixion/resurrection story.  Not in Mark, not in Luke, not in John, only in Matthew.
Internet here I come once again.  And it is explained away in metaphor or symbology or used as argument for the erroneous manner in which the stories of the bible are built, or used as arguments for atheism as in there are so many errors in the bible as to defy reason, thus there cannot be a God.

You know, I'm not altogether sure what it means, why I haven't heard of it before now - the part about the holy people coming out of their graves - and how I will put it together, but there it is in all the translations, just somewhat different words that still indicate that some that were dead were made alive at the time that Jesus is being crucified.  The arguments flow back and forth as to whether it was at the time Jesus died or the time of Jesus resurrection, and did these arisen wander for three days --- that sort of back and forth discussion.   I can instantly see a correlation to the writer(s) of Matthew putting a spiritual end to the Jews with the renting of the veil, the renting of the rocks and the rising of the sainteds out of the grave, thus giving birth firmly to a new Christology as supplanting Judaism.  I believe the gospel of Matthew was the last of the gospels to be written after Mark, Luke and John, and written at a much later time post Jesus death.  Were these verses added in that they do not appear in the earlier 3 gospels, and if so why were they added, how did add to the account?

Something else to assimilate and if I've learned nothing else in my studies of bible, I've decidedly learned there is very little that is concrete in the structuring of the bible, yet much to be learned and gained.  Ahh, but that it were a linear narrative, wouldn't it be so much simpler?

Catching up, meeting Stake President, more Missionary lessons, more Sundays

For whatever reason I took it into my head that we were 'fast tracking' towards baptism, I was leaning forward eager to get through the steps and reach conclusion.  It was an impression I formed based on information given me in various exposures to this church experience, and perhaps with the information given me I formed my own sense of time lines (too long perhaps working in a bureacracy where timelines meant by this time these steps will have been taken toward conclusive goal).  

Now, a mere three weeks later (honestly, it feels like it's been two months), I'm starting to realize that it will be when it will be and all my endeavors to get and grasp as much information and knowledge as I can is not going to hurry the process.  Therein lying the operative word -- process.   Not the language of the LDS church, rather language more familiar to me I take a breath and slow down a bit reminding myself that a process is, in fact, a process, not always linear, not always with a timeline.

Since last post, we have had meeting/interview with the Stake President (last Sunday), two more lessons with the Missionaries and another Sunday 3 hour meeting block including a Linger Longer potluck afterwards.  My  continued question which I now state with personal amusement 'Where are the Women' has been taken seriously by the young missionaries and the last lesson a woman from the Ward was at the lesson with us.  You have to love the earnestness of those young missionaries!   Bless their hearts.   It wasn't quite what I had in mind, yet it does show some degree of appreciation for what I am asking as well as some degree of accommodation.

In the interim between lessons, and Sunday block meetings, we have been voraciously consuming information available on internet, audio podcasts in the Mormon Stories series, hosted by John Dehlin, reading, discussing, and audio mp3 of self assigned chapters of the Book of Mormon.  Arthur assigned the homework for us =  3rd Nephi and the King Benjamen part of Mosiah.  Plus the Book of Moroni, which Arthur read aloud the first week of lessons.   And the ongoing daily dialogue he and I share, have shared throughout our marriage.

It has been a whirlwind type experience as in moving quickly while I attempt to adapt my experiential belief set to this LDS belief set.  Wishing to bump up the pace a bit, we requested the missionaries suspend the usual introductory type lessons and permit us to get into more hefty aspects of the doctrines. They have been most accommodating and I appreciate their efforts more and more each time we meet with them.  Arthur shares stories of his time as a young missionary, then we'll hit some piece of knotty doctrine and I thoroughly appreciate how the young missionaries allow for either or both of us to express our opinions, while they find ways to incorporate those concerns into the lessons without dismissing our concerns as irrelevant.

I still find a goodly number of doctrinal concepts that I strongly disagree with while simultaneously trying to understand how those concepts were structured by looking at the scaffolding that built those belief sets.  The people I have met thus far have been sincere in their outreach, and it will take time (process) to build communication blocks that permit a flow of understanding the symbology, meanings, and power of words.  For now it more resembles elements of tower of babble to me in that I am speaking a language perhaps foreign to them and they are speaking a language foreign to me.  I truly do not wish to have the vocabulary I do use fall by the wayside in adapting/adopting a vocabulary more familiar to their comfort level.

Small example, the assurances that continue to come at me that I will feel the spirit, be filled with the Holy Ghost, feel the fire, grasp the understanding, develop the appreciation for the Book of Mormon, for Joseph Smith, and more such like codified terminology understood amongst themselves.  Sometimes I listen politely, sometimes I attempt to inject my viewpoint, sometimes I strive for mutual appreciation of what I am trying to convey, sometimes I shrug and say to myself another day and will try again.   Today one such concept was shared with me, as told by a great grandfather, about the fire of the Holy Ghost after not feeling it for long period after baptism and conversion, and when he did...........

While this is meant as encouragement, to my ears this is what I am hearing;   you don't yet have the Holy Ghost, you don't yet have the fire, you aren't yet converted and can't have these experiences until you are converted.    I'm fairly sure this is not the message they mean to give me, more that they are enthusiastic in sharing what I might expect or could expect, their enthusiasm for sharing their version of the 'good news' with me and that I am interested.  What I have not been able to convey is that I don't come to this church less the Holy Ghost, less the Holy Spirit, less my own personal close connection and walk with Jesus, and I do not have a desire or wish to convert or be converted.  I wish to understand, I wish to respect and appreciate but I am not without my own internal resources, and spiritual experience, values, ethics and morals, that make up who and what I am as a person, as a child, a daughter, a beloved of God.

I'm not of the belief that there is a prescribed way to experience the experience of spiritual connection to Creator, nor necessarily a set of behaviors that define Godliness.  On the other hand, I'm fully cognizant that for people to share in community there needs to be some standards of behaviors that promote valued morals and ethics that elevate the human spirit to desire to walk the path that elevates others' humanity.

What is highly significant thus far about this experience is the warm receptiveness of the people connected to us (families), and the new family of which we are seeking to become a part.  I do indeed understand this as the honeymoon phase in any new relationship, but in all honesty, I have to say the people have been very genuine is their outreach and skeptic that I am as in it's that early love bomb stage, somehow I don't think that is the case.  Time will tell, time will show, and meanwhile I trust firmly in the guidance of spirit that has served me well over my many years.  The Mormons like to say repetitiously to read the Book of Mormon, and pray about it.  I doubt that reading the Book of Mormon is going to cause me to feel any more spiritually connected than I currently do, and in fact, at this point, I'm more annoyed and angry with how Joseph Smith used the Book of Mormon to set in motion....but I digress.  As to praying, that is typically useful advice and sharing among people, and among different cultures there assuredly are different ways to pray.

I can live with the concept of calling out that a young Joseph Smith, derived from the religious atmosphere of his time a unique way to cope with or initiate another way to look at the scriptures (as in the bible, not the books he developed after).  I can live with the concept that in this regard Joseph Smith was considered a prophet of his time, many others were as well.  I can live with the concept that Joseph Smith introduced a revelatory church in that more revelation had come and was to come.  In the personal experience of revelation, it is not so unusual to experience a sustained strong spiritual connection as to feel that revelation is indeed happening uniquely to you while perhaps not fully appreciating that this is a more often than less commonality of experience among people.

My hurdle for this time being though is that the testimonies I hear point more to the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith than they do to the life, example of Jesus Christ (and not the Jesus Christ of the Book of Mormon --- that portrayal is too righteous, dry and a bit of a two dimensional character imprint that belies the fullness of my own experience of Jesus the Christ).  Each prayer and testimony ends with in the name of Jesus Christ, and that seems to be as much attention as is given to Jesus Christ.  While there is a strong emotional sharing of belief of the Atonement, it is still as if this is the backdrop from which Joseph Smith is then elevated along with the books he caused to be created as revelatory scripture.

I think perhaps for some, perhaps many, the means of expression so deeply personal and real to them is better met in the codified language which seems to be understood as the common language of sharing.  Thus saying such things as I have a testimony of  (fill in the blank ---- Book of Mormon as true, Joseph Smith as a prophet, Jesus Christ died for our salvation) that it has deeper commonality meaning of sharing emotional, spiritual experience than perhaps my ears are hearing at this time.  Ah, but you know this is called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, it is not called nor imho should it be called The Church of Jospeh Smith of the Latter Day Saints, nor should Joseph Smith nor the subsequent books he brought forth be elevated above the due to be given to Jesus Christ.  Just a humble opinion, but it's mine and one I hold dear.

One more Lesson with the Missionaries

I got phone call from the young missionary wanting to set up another lesson appointment.  Oh, I thought there were only four, and he tells me that there is one more.  I ask what is the lesson content, and he tells me it will be about the Commandments.  Arranged an appointment for us for tomorrow.

Referencing one of the church meetings we had last Sunday (I really must learn the title names of these meetings) for newcomers which Arthur is not but since I am he agrees to endure these meetings with me.  I say endure as I'm sure for him they are repetitive and unlikely of great interest to him.  It does provide him though with an opportunity to expand on the content, welcome help which the brother doing the teaching seems to appreciate.  There are two other newcomers in this meeting now, so it is not just us two as I had previously thought.   One is a man recently baptized and was confirmed at the earlier meeting, which means I've now seen the process for a confirmation, the laying of hands by the men (the men once again!) on his head as confirmation verbiage is stated aloud.  The other is a Spanish speaking man who speaks some limited English.

I'm wondering as the lesson goes on just what the Spanish man can assimilate since the book and the language being spoken is English.  At some point, I asked Arthur to inquire in Spanish of the man if he is able to follow the lesson.  He tells Arthur in Spanish that he is able to follow along, does speak some English.  I ask the brother teaching the class if they have the lesson book (Gospel Principles) in Spanish.  He says they do not.  Hmmm, given the population of Spanish speaking people here..... enough said.  But having met the woman who came here from Guatemala and she quickly learned to speak and read English, perhaps it works to other Spanish speaking people's interests to encourage them to learn English.

We both have heard too often, too many times from the local people in this area what sounds to our ears like contemptuous remarks about how the Spanish speaking need to learn to speak English because after all, whomoever is making the remark will invariably follow it up with how their immigrant great grandparents had to learn English when they got to this country.   Uh, disconnect there, because the person making the remarks did not have to learn a second language and knows little about what that process entails.  We know it is easier for young people to learn a second language than it is for mature adults, and we know most of the time the person making such a remark does not know a second language and might struggle greatly to learn a second language.  But I don't need to go off on a tangent here.  Perhaps in time, this Ward will see wisdom in having some of the learning materials in Spanish as well as English.  I'm fairly sure the larger LDS church has materials in more than one language.

Last Missionary Lesson and Taking the Missionaries to Dinner

We've met with the Bishop, had that meeting, which went well.  We are back on track to the baptism(although despite Arthur's willingness, I think he has more than earned but wah, wah, never mind).   Arthur has let his children know of our plans, and the response we receive is warm, positive and upbeat.  I have to admit, I am pleasantly surprised and pleased.  I am not sure what I thought his children's reactions would be, but they have shown themselves to be most gracious on the matter.

We make arrangements with the young missionaries for the last lesson.  I believe there are more missionary lessons, but the missionaries have advised us that we need to have four lessons and attend church services three times to be readied for the remaining procedures towards baptism.  We have this fourth lesson with the missionaries, The Gospel of Jesus Christ, and I am in my element.  I have several challenging questions I have written down in the handout they gave us to study before the lesson. As I listen to the lesson, I come to appreciate that I have a strong biblically based knowledge of the gospels, this lesson is going quickly and smoothly and deciding against using the time in challenging questions (one or two perhaps) I did get to throw in a couple of quick references to the elevated status Jesus gave to women, ie, it was woman that he first appeared to upon leaving the tomb, it was woman who recognized him as Jesus, it was woman he commanded to go and share the message that he lives, a message the men did not receive happily from a woman as in the historical time of that history women were held in lower regard by the men of that time.  It was men who failed to recognize Jesus although he appeared to them several times at different places.  And there is the woman with the Alabaster Jar whom Jesus said we should remember her name for all time.

The missionaries, pronouncing that I seem to have a strong testimony of Jesus, concluded the lesson.  Well, good, I have part of this down, as I do not yet have what is called in the LDS vernacular a testimony of the Book of Mormon and I'm Really Working on Joseph Smith the prophet.   More about that in another post.
Actually, this lesson included a rather well made short 20 minute film documentary format of the life, parables, and gospel of Jesus, and I found it to be a pleasing representation.  I would have perhaps taken issue with only one or two words, but otherwise it seemed to stay true to the biblical gospels.

We made arrangements with the two young missionaries to meet up with them and take them to dinner at a local restaurant within the week.  It was refreshing to meet with them under more social conditions, exchanging stories with our meal, and less about the teaching exchanges we have had with them to date.

Lesson 3 and Oops, there is a small problem

We had what seemed an uneventful Lesson 3 with the young missionary, and a much older member of the church.  Who is this, and where is the other young missionary?  As was explained, it was a missionary split, meaning one young Elder (how about that for twisted terminology) was in the field in our area and the other young Elder was in the field in another region.  As I already learned the established practice requires not one by two to teach the lessons.  So we met another (male) member of the church to assist the young missionary with the lesson for that evening.

As the lesson was finishing up, the other young missionary and another older (male) member of the church entered the room. They took seats behind us.   I didn't think much of it until as the lesson finished up, the talk was then directed at Arthur that he was to have an interview with the Bishop. Or maybe it was we were to have an interview with the Bishop.    I heard body language more than I heard words from the men in the room, (by this time I'm in a room with 5 other men), seemed to me to be uncomfortable in the message they were delivering to Arthur.   I turned to them (why are they sitting behind us and talking to us from behind, it is not a comfortable setting for me), and stated that this was beginning to have a punitive tone to it, is this intended to be a punitive action.  They quickly reassured me it was not, nothing like that, and the church was eager to have us as members.

Arthur went silent for a moment or two, and I was trying to ascertain where this turn in events was headed, when the young missionary giving the lesson mentioned the word excommunicate.  Now I really was puzzled, and annoyed.  Explaining that Arthur was not excommunicated, but had gone through the process to request his name be removed from the records, I could feel the male energy surrounding me as one of growing discomfort. Mine, Arthur's, theirs.   Arthur, coming out of his initial reaction, could see where I was going with my questions, could hear the men all trying to respond in reassuring us that they did not know the nature of why we were being asked to interview with the Bishop, but that it was standard operating procedure in this kind of situation (name removal) which really amounted more to talking over each other and was not at all reassuring.  Arthur advised them that this was doing little good at the moment, and that we needed time to be with it, which at least ended the not so reassuring reassurances.  Arthur then advised them and me that he was recalling something about the process that he had forgotten to remember and to go ahead and set up the meeting with the Bishop, but that for this evening, we were concluded with our time there.

We all left, and when we were in our car and driving home, Arthur explained to me his experience of  instances where an interview with the Bishop was called for and that he was comfortable, okay with it.  I was still puzzled about the interchange of the two actions, requesting name removal and ex-communication as not being the same thing at all.  He continued to try to put me at ease (I suspect putting himself at ease as well).
He said we would simply meet with the Bishop tomorrow (Sunday) after the church meetings and he was confident/comfortable it would go well, and that it was more a matter of procedure than a problem.

I did gather my composure, put my rising anger to rest, and decided to leave it in Arthur's and the Sacred Spirit's hands.  Arthur being the one experienced with these matters of church protocols.   I have been a member of other churches, most recently we are confirmed in Episcopal church, and I can't imagine a scenario where there would be a halt to the proceedings while we had a formal interview with the Priest.  But then, I already know the LDS church does things differently and they do have this male priesthood thing going on.  I'm actually rather struck in somewhat of amusement that I was in a room with 4 men who seemed to be code talking to Arthur while trying to reassure me, the newcomer woman.

Where are the women, I keep asking, because for the most part I find myself trying to converse with males who seem more intent with quieting me than hearing what I have to say.  Tomorrow then, we'll learn more.

Coming to peace with Lesson 2

Having spent a good deal of words in trying to capture the feeling while also chronicling the unfolding events, emotions, exchanges, this post will be brief.  My husband and I have by now spent several days in deep conversation with each other about the material, concepts, change in our life, changes in the lives and loves of those close to us, but the focus of our conversations are actually each of us reaffirming to each other that even with the feeling of the movement of spirit, the guiding spirit, the holy spirit moving within us and taking us to this place, that first and foremost is our marriage, our love for each other and our desire to protect what we share together.

It is good that our next lesson with the young missionaries is scheduled for a few days away, which gives us opportunity to experience, to process the tumultuous emotions we are each experiencing.   We are indeed having individually different while simultaneously similar emotional experiences and we are doing so in the context of our commitment to our marriage, to each other, and looking to take the preciousness of our marriage into a faith belief set that may or may not work for the integrity of our marriage.  We are about to take that leap of faith that Arthur likens to Indiana Jones character in the movie Last Crusade where they have to trust that even though they cannot see it, there is a bridge in place that will hold their weight when they take that jump.

Missionary Lesson 2 yields personal upheaval

Day 3, Lesson 2
    My husband and I are still talking non-stop between ourselves about what this change will mean in our lives.  What I haven't mentioned is that simultaneously what is going on in the background is what seems to be some healing activity with one of his brothers, an activity that began months earlier.  I'm not sure I want to write a great deal about the circumstances that led to the alienation, as much as I hope to focus on the feeling of being guided towards a healing reconciliation for husband and brother, and an opportunity for embracing of me, in my role as his wife, which felt like acceptance where it has not felt so prior.

    By this time, I have shared with my adult children my intended actions, to inquire of their reactions and give them time to accept the new direction I am laying out.  They accept my decision as mine to make and that it gives them no sense of discomfort.  Perhaps I will circle back to writing more about my sense of their calm reaction and why I wanted them to have an opportunity to weigh in with their reactions.  There can be much derisiveness about the LDS practices among the general public.  It is my intent to give my children a bit of opportunity to be prepared to hear some perhaps unloving statements, although I don't think in their daily lives and activities, there would be much reason, occasion for them to mention or discuss their mother's faith choices or decisions.

    By this time, I have also shared with my mother my intended actions, to which she gives me the reaction I fully expect her to give me.  One of apprehension, despite the fact that by now she knows and respects my husband on the merits of his character as a man, and not on the merits of his choice in faith beliefs.  She knows him as a person first, a spiritual man second, and as a former practicing Mormon last.  Nonetheless, she subtly intonates her fears that this may not be a well thought out decision on my part.  I know her well enough to know what is not being said is as much a message as what is being said between us.  In my amateurish efforts to try to frame a language around my decision, I try to make the distinction between some of the typical public perceptions that prevail about the LDS and Mormon belief set and my hope to learn what they themselves mean weighing that information side by side.  I make the unfortunate mistake of choosing the word outsider, she repeats the word slowly and with emphasis, and I know she has begun down that road of thinking I have stepped inside a cultish community distinguishing insiders from outsiders.  I do not know how to adjust my words yet to distinguish newcomer into LDS from those who have chosen the belief set and are made up of people who were raised in the culture, in the church, those who converted, those who left, but essentially all have had some exposure to the enculturation from inside the church and not as myself, an observer outside the church.

 Lesson;  what is called The Plan of Salvation.  My description would be that this was a lesson in which the LDS belief set of the life after life was explained.  My intention is to follow along the narrative to better understand their belief set, and be able to explain that belief set as another of the many belief sets that exist in explaining the spiritual mysteries, ie, Joseph Campbell in The Power of Myths.   As I follow along, waiting for that big hit that failure to do these things leads to some kind of hellish torment, the young missionary drawing the diagram never gets to a place of hell.  Rather he shows various holding places, reviews the Atonement, gets to the place of a Second Coming, the raising of the dead, and then veers off into the various places they will be judged to go, and none of those places are a place of hell.  There is the outer darkness place, but even that is not a place of demons, and eternal torment, as much as a place of isolated, separated from participating in the other spheres of the after life.

   For me, this is a Very Big Deal.  As most of the Christian denominations to which I have been exposed have some element of hell as a not great place to wind up, and has elements of penance, pain, and eternal types of suffering, it is something I have had to reject as not of God, not Godly, not of a God loving of mankind.  Therefore, it has also served as an impediment to embracing the God as described in the Old Testament as the same loving God of which his son, Jesus Christ pointed to and enjoined us to wish to enter into communion with.   Appreciating that this is my personal construct of the information as it was presented to me over my growing up years and into adulthood, it is a mixed bag of messages and my resulting perceptions as to what constitutes hell, therefore what constitutes a loving God.

    In the sudden onset of awareness as to what the young missionary was diagramming, the theorem of what an afterlife might look like, I was struck by how little I have of a sense of afterlife (heaven) as laid out by some of the Christian denominations to which I have had affiliation.  I was also thunderstruck that this was the first time I was hearing of the LDS version despite the many years I have been married to my husband, and despite his side of the family's LDS connections.  Anger filled me, a sense of having been betrayed by having this depiction withheld from me when he and so many others in his family branch knew the information as it had been presented to them.   How could this have happened, how could I have not known this over the many years he and I have shared spiritual matters, spiritual belief sets together?!

  Addressing this with him with a hurting heart, he understood immediately the pain I was feeling, the absence of having shared the concept in our many shared conversations together related to the matter of spirituality.  Even as I was feeling my own emotions, I was feeling how awkward this had become for him.  Wishing to comfort myself and ease the awkwardness for him was an emotional storm for both of us, generating between us a level of understanding that while we seemed to think we were on the same page in many of our spiritual conversations, we were chasms apart in this particular arena.   We worked through it, we talked it through, we reaffirmed the closeness we shared in our marriage that would permit us to have this conversation.  He didn't try to explain it, rather he said something that resonated with me in a new light of understanding.  He said he has never been afraid of hell, has had no reason to be afraid of hell, and that being raised with no other concept of hell, he took for granted that others saw hell in a similar, non-fearful manner.  In speaking with another of his family members about the unfolding events, and my recognition of lesson 2 as highly significant to me personally, she indicated same thought my husband had stated; raised in the church, not afraid of a cruel hell place, took for granted others saw it in similar vein.

    Extracting the concept of a tormenting hell as an impediment to embracing a loving God gave me an opportunity to place the loved ones in our family who have passed into a new mental construct where I can view them busily engaged, preparing a place for me for a time when I enter that place where they are, and they welcome me with loving arms.  I had never placed them in a place of torment, or hell, or absence, rather had vague notion of a heaven, an afterlife, something no one could really know and was a personal matter of whatever construct each of us has created of the afterlife.  The concept as was presented to me by the young missionary yields a degree of comfort for me about the loved ones in my life who have passed.  And it somehow also opened the doors for me that I might finally be able to begin to embrace an imaging of a loving God, and perhaps a way to incorporate a more gentle image of God, or Giver of Life, or Creator or the names attached to The One as not of that described in the Old Testament.    We'll see.  I remain skeptical, but do embrace the opportunity as an opportunity.

   Continuing conversations with my husband, and registering my feeling level that I don't wish for my mother to be left with the impression she created in her mind, I phone her the next day and attempt to explain my intent and inadequacies in knowing what words to use.  We have a conciliatory moment with the acknowledgement she felt my use of the word outsider meant I saw her in that light and that she was going to lose her daughter.  I assured her that the word was not one I was given but one I had used in trying to make a distinction, and that it in no way meant I had made a demarcation line of insiders/outsiders.  That our relationship would continue as is, nothing much was likely to change.  Having in recent years encouraged my mother to attend the Episcopal church in her neighborhood, and knowing we have been confirmed and active in our Episcopal church, it would be a bit of a surprise for her to understand my decision.  I don't expect her to understand, exactly, even as she says she does understand the connection to my husband's heritage as a compelling reason for my interest.   The rest of the conversation we share our mutual appreciations for the many aspects of the Episcopal structure we both enjoy, and I do share with her the concept that was given to me in lesson 2 the previous evening.  With application to the passing of her husband, we share some discussion around what we think of as where he is, what an afterlife might be.  Our conversation ends on a positive note.

The Decision

Day One, announcement of wish to be baptized.
    My husband, anticipating that if I say the 'tipping point' words aloud, the young missionary who had been sitting in the pew in front of us would move swiftly into action.  My husband shushed me, wishing to help me avoid the initiation of missionary lessons part of the process.  I tell husband that I am intentional, and understand that this is a step that cannot be avoided, so let's do it, get through it.  And while I wish we didn't have to be subjected to what seems to me to be baby step lessons having lived sixteen years with my husband and learned much from him, nonetheless, it seems there is no other entry point.  I compare it to the time we were required to spend in a catechism to get ready for confirmation into the Epsicopal Church.

   The Bishop of this Ward has come up to us to greet and welcome us, hears the conversation and shares with us his own experience at the time he decided to be baptized and his impatience with having to go through the missionary lesson steps.  He encourages us to go through the lessons anyway, and we agree to get started that very day; the young missionary has some open time in his schedule.

  Lesson 1;  An introduction, some discussion of what Atonement means (in the LDS church).  No problem, we are marching through this.  By this time, we are into the afternoon, and upon finishing up, Arthur and I decide to have lunch to discuss this rather sudden change in events for us.