Talk today was given by a Young Returning Iraq Veteran

He started the talk by saying he was son of  ________  (whom most people would know, and of course, I do not yet know).  He said he didn't know his father was going to ask him to talk.  He said he wasn't prepared (even though he had in his hand exhaustive notes) and he said perhaps he would have some prepared talks ready in case his father surprised him by asking him to give talks in the future.  He is the son of a Stake High Counselor, which means he is not from here but a guest giving a talk at this Ward.  He said he was a returning Iraq veteran (my words, he said he had been to Iraq in a forward infantry function).  He said he  wasn't sure he wanted to tell the story, was still trying to make up his mind, and even now he is not sure if he will tell the story.

He has talked of kindness, that is the theme of his talk. He begins the story.  Of returning from a military mission and meeting an Iraqi woman with a young girl child.  Of offering the little girl a candy bar and the girl being too uncertain and shy to accept it.  Of coaxing her that it was okay and the little girl's mother giving her the nod of approval to accept the candy.  Of how delighted the little girl was and how much it delighted him to see her so  pleased.   Of going on another military mission and returning and seeing the same woman and little girl.  Of how the little girl recognized him and came to him hugging his leg tightly and not wanting to let go.  And he stopped the story right there.   But the tears began for me, for I already knew the rest of his story.

He spoke then of kindness, small acts of kindness and gave examples of representations of being known for being Morman by acts of kindness.  The rest of his kindness theme was not extraordinary, yet I knew it was.  I knew what he did not say or would not say.  I cried through the rest of his talk and it took a long while to regain enough composure to look up again.

When the service was finished, I sought him out and explained that I have a son-in-law who is a two time returning Iraq veteran and is currently in Afghanistan.  I told him his talk meant a great deal to me and he said yes, he could see how it would be quite personal for me.  Did the girl die, I asked.  Yes, he said quietly in almost a whisper.

How, I wondered, would I get through the next two classes.  By then people were talking to us, welcoming us, introducing themselves and I was still trying to regain enough composure to be present.  Normally we would have our somewhat private investigator lesson, but the other two newbies weren't there, so we agreed to have the Gospel Doctrine Class with the rest of the adults.  Most disappointing, and I won't spend a lot of time belaboring my disappointment with the structure of that lesson.  It rather felt like how a person might instruct a kindergarden class.  But this was not a room full of children, it was a room full of adults.  I earnestly hope this is not slated for my future when the investigator lessons (which I like as they are more spontaneous) have concluded and we are assimilated into the Gospel Doctrine Class.  I will be hopeful instead that it is the stylings of the current volunteer instructor of the class.  And I earnestly hope that the instructor will feel the blessings of the challenge of personal growth in fulfilling this calling.

Off to the Relief Society class and one of the women there whom I had just met the evening of the Dance, wanted to escort me to the class.  She confided, or so it seemed as she said it quietly, that her son had been to Iraq three times, and she understood how difficult it was for me, speaking of her own 24 hour a day vigil waiting to hear from her son.  I know enough about the deployments to know that three deployments would have been short bursts and not the extended 'stop-loss' 15 month deployments my daughter's family experienced.  We shared something in common in that heightened sense of wary watchfulness each family who has a loved one deployed goes through while they are gone.  She shared her take on why we were in Iraq and I explained to her that I was very much on the other side of the fence on that one, yet we still had a commonality despite different viewpoints.  Enough said on that for the time being.

After meetings concluded, I sought out the young Iraq veteran as I wanted to tell him that his talk had made a difference for me, that it mattered, and that it pretty much sealed the deal for me.  He hugged me saying that makes him almost want to cry.

In a strange kind of way, the experience of today was akin to God reaching out to me personally and singularly using a language I could relate to with the story the returning Iraq veteran told in part.  I don't think I was getting the message many in LDS culture would interpret as being told that this was the true church.  I've been among returning Iraq veterans before, but it is rare where we live, there are very few that I know about among our small population and citizenry who have deployed to either Iraq or Afghanistan.  Of course, this was not about me nor singular to me, I know that, and even so, somehow it touched me in a spiritual place as if Jesus was issuing a gentle challenge to me that I do not yet understand, and yet this is the place I heard the whisper of that challenge.    It affirms or reaffirms for me that God talks to people in language he knows they can hear and understand, and the threads of that seek out the ear even amongst the words not intended for that ear but for the ears of others.  I don't always understand the language that touches others, nor am I supposed to, any more than others understand the language that touches me.  I liken it to music in that there are notes that sound in the ears and touch such a deep place sometimes captured only in the beauty of  music, art, and dance.  Sometimes in the gifted crafting of a wordsmith painting pictures using words.

This part of the journey is the private part, the part not well described in the traditional words I hear used in the LDS culture.  My dear husband would recognize it as the place I speak of from time to time  - the place of no words.

Dance! Dance! Dance! Michael Jackson and the Hokee Pokee

The Ward had a Dance last night and last Sunday several people had invited us to come.   Young and old were invited to the Dance.  My mental perception of what could that look like fascinated me; what music would they play, how would they mix the generations dance styles, would anyone dance or line the walls in shyness, would it look like an old fashioned barn dance, what would people wear?   So Friday I spent some time preparing for this Dance not unlike I might prepare for a dinner night out with my husband.  Did the whole routine, shower, hair, makeup, choose the right clothing and accessories thing.  And off we went - to the Dance!

It has snowed here these past two days, and we don't typically have snow, therefore ice on the roads to contend with - rain, wind and flooding, yes that is more the kind of weather we get here.  I wondered if the snow would cause people not to turn out for the Dance.  When we arrived, there were maybe 5 cars, so it looked to me like it would be a poor turnout, likely because of the snow.   We went into the recreation hall, and it was already set up with the refreshment table and the round tables with chairs.  Our young missionaries were there accompanying the newly baptized man and the other man who participates in our 'discussions'.   I was pleased to see the four of them, not sure who was accompanying who, but relieved that we wouldn't be the only new kids there.

So, the music started up, boombox type player with speakers (actually more elaborate than I've described, but that's the idea of it), and lively dance music was coming out of the speakers.   I looked around and people were dressed casual to very casual, comfortable, young fashionable for the younger set, and dressy.  Good mix, so no dress code here.  And the wee kidlets to the children, to the youngsters, to the teens, to the young adults began to dance.  Great, it will be multi generational dancing, so not too much intimidation on dance style.  I find myself relaxing immediately.

The young lady who seems to be the impetus behind encouraging people to dance obviously has trained dance skills, and I appreciate how she encourages the youngsters.  The music flows nicely between generations, to include some basic line type dancing where people can learn the steps and participate, to some of favorites from the rock n roll era, a not too rap rap, something from today's genre of music, and then there is Michael Jackson's Thriller.   Oops, not too many dancers know what steps to do with that one short of the ghoulish hands.

 And people are continually arriving, more children, more young people, more teens, more young parents, and people are dancing!   A small collection in one corner of preteen boys and a small collection in another corner of preteen girls (isn't that normal!) and our dance instructor manages to get most everyone dancing at some time during the evening.

And then there is the Chicken Dance.  Woo Hoo!   I tell the young missionary that this is a dance frequently used at weddings.  He makes a face.  I clarify, no, not temple weddings, and usually people have had a bit to drink.  Then I think about it, and clarify again, no not at the wedding itself, at the reception afterwards.  Then I think about it and clarify again, the music speeds up and by the end of the tune, people are Chicken Dancing at lightning speed.   Then he smiles, and says he gets it and I am relieved that hopefully I painted more a picture of people having fun but no way to know what images he depicted in his mind.

The refreshments quickly disappear, and I'm tickled to see tots and toddlers out there moving to the music right along with the older sets.   When we first arrived I met a woman and her mother who were setting up the refreshment table, and I learned the young lady leading most of the dances was daughter, so three generations of women are there, and I figure grandmother and mother will be sitting out most of the dances.  Not so!  Both mother and grandmother did just about every single dance with the daughter the entire two hours.  How's that for stamina!   They get my applause for sure.

Mother is wife of our local Dentist who I understand was formerly the Bishop of this Ward.  He danced some of the dances with them and it was fun to see a professional in a different light.  Of course, I tend to be rather frightened of the whole dentist experience anyway, so it was great not to be seeing him seated in a chair with my mouth open and dentist tools arrayed ready to attack my teeth.

The current Bishop and his wife are there, and he is wearing his casual clothes, so much the style of the people who live in our area, and how cool is that to see a hometown dressed sort of guy whom when we first met was wearing the obligatory suit, white shirt and tie.  His wife is dressed comfortably, dress and scarf shawl, comfortable shoes.  There are those dressed up for the Dance, and those dressed down for the Dance, and those dressed somewhere in between.  Women dance with women, children, whomever, and it is more about having fun than any dances I've ever attended.  Relaxed, and just plain fun.

Arthur tries to dance the Twist with me, but his knees won't twist.  No more twisty dancing for him.
 Early into the evening, the YMCA song comes on and I just have to dance to that one to do the ol' Y M C A movements with my arms.   Arthur dances all the couple slow dances with me, and I get him into the action when the Hokee Pokee dance song plays. Left arm in, left arm out, left arm in and shake it all about, do the Hokee Pokee and turn yourself around, that's what it's all about!  

Overall it is a quite lovely evening.  I learn later that this is the first time the Ward has had a Dance in a long time.  Well the turnout was great for a snow night and the participation was great.  I give my compliments to the young lady who chose the music, on her dance training and on encouraging the dancing participation.   I hope they will have many more Dances!

Putting a human face on the story of Joseph Smith

Lesson with the missionaries again tonight, and they wanted us to watch hour long dvd with them, give a bit of relief to the discussions.  I don't recall the exact title of the dvd, but it is an updated depiction of the life of Joseph Smith.  Some things I did not know about the traumas that shaped him in his early life;

-- trauma 1; he was a small 7 year old boy with a residual after effect of typhus - leg injury requiring surgical removal of tissue.  Spent some years crippled using a cane.

-- trauma 2; his older brother Alvin, 25, dies.  Religious belief sets at that time Second Awakening, Restoration included some harsh (imo) beliefs about damnation, hell, baptism, salvation.  Likely Joseph was told his brother was among those lost as he had not been baptized, was not saved, hell-bound.  (It is said this influenced Joseph Smith's later thinking in regards to baptism for the dead).

-- trauma 3; stillborn deaths of four (4) of their children - Joseph and Emma Smith.  Another of their children died at 14 months.

This portion of the dvd really struck a chord with me.  While I am not at a place to believe that what came next with the visions was inspired of God inasmuch as I am greatly willing to believe Joseph was spiritual in his questing and believed his vision to be real to him, many pieces of this puzzle clicked together for me in appreciating the very human, psychological aspects that made up parts of Joseph Smith's early years that would have a great influence on the visions and his structuring of what became the basis of Mormonism.

I was so taken by the human portrayal that I want to watch this dvd again, take it in sections, stop it at certain points and study it out.  I asked the young missionary how I might obtain a copy and he provided the resources where he thought it might be available for purchase, and the other young missionary said he had a copy he could loan to us.  He went out to his car to get it, and I am much pleased we will be able to view it as a study reference.

There did come a point in the dvd where it did seem the efforts to elevate Joseph Smith status shifted him out of the human-ness as portrayed in the earlier part of the dvd to a place of close to worship.  I'm sure as we watch the dvd together again, I may want to write about the portrayal of various stages of his life in the dvd, which will of necessity being church produced paint a more glowing portrait against so much of what has been written about his less than savory characteristics as a person.

The dvd did evoke strong feelings in me, leaving me with a more empathetic view of the course of history that birthed Mormonism.  I'll be getting back to writing about my impressions.

A btw, we began reading 'The Mormon Hierarchy Origins of Power' by D. Michael Quinn and the first two chapters are so thoroughly involved with explaining the concepts of Authority and Priesthood and who holds what authority and why and the march down the hierarchal chain of command, that I soon lost interest in trying to visualize all these men vying for some place of position, authority and relevance in this formation.  I'm fairly content to let the men mill about figuring out who is head of what and has keys to what and so on and so on as men are prone to do.  Unless or until they are stepping on my toes or those of the people I hold dear, the Men's Club can enjoy whatever it is that makes Men's Clubs attractive to them.  I mean no disrespect, truly, but as I listened I could feel the dinner burning in the oven, the dishes piling up, the kids crying as their needs went unmet, the laundry backing up and on and on and on as that is so much of what women do irrespective of all the other jobs they may choose to do alongside their jobs in their homes.

I said that I was willing to 'default' on the whole men's priesthood authority thing for now.  I didn't grow up inside this church, and am not beholden to a male ordered authority structuring and am perhaps less likely to feel the compression of my identity as it is defined within this church structure.  Not wishing to get sidetracked into a discussion of gender roles, gender identity, it provides me some element of relief that my adult life was not lived under these constraints.  Even as I don't fully agree that the eruption of women's choices and roles as I experienced in that second wave of feminism (1970s) was a balanced social reaction, I also don't agree that keeping women's roles in their status quo was useful nor indicative of personal growth for women.  I have said to my own children (now grown) that I don't regret the opportunity I had for career development, but that I would have preferred the timing to be different, not simultaneous to the time of raising children.  But I do digress.

This may have to do with a mellowing of my attitude about Joseph Smith as the originator of much of the LDS doctrines that seem odd in their male authority over women.   When I can see him as a human, a person, a boy, get some sense of his background, the historical time of religion that shaped his own religious/spiritual formation, I can get past the chagrin I have felt for him with regard to my sense of an oppressiveness of women to see him in a more personal manner.  Less the charlatan portrayal, certainly not the saintly deity portrayal and a somewhat more balanced view of a human making his way in the world, asking those angst kinds of questions we all ask, and looking for better answers than were being provided him at that time.

Say Whattttt !!

Another lesson with the missionaries yesterday.   By now at home I have several bible translations in use, KJV, The Oxford Bible Commentary, and a Catholic Bible, along with a New International Version (which I haven't yet used in these studies).  Meanwhile Arthur has been pulling out book after book from his collection of books from over the years in both his ardentness and his disaffectedness along with a goodly number of LDS related magazines he collected.  Elder M. gifted me a new Big Letter version of the three books in one = Book of Mormon (BOM), Doctrines and Covenants (D & C), and  Pearl of Great Price (POGP), which elicted one of Arthur's joking comments to which the young missionary said simply 'it's so she can do her homework'.  He had asked me to review some verses as homework.  He also gifted us an hour long dvd, The Testaments.

Between all that material, and my own questing via internet gobbling up information that I can get to as fast as the hours permit, I've no shortage of reading material.  Hello life, some things are not getting done, and I'm not complaining, as this learning curve phase can't go on indefinitely, can it?

I'm intrigued because we read Matthew 26: 36-55, then John 18: 33-37 and then Matthew 27: 45-54 when Elder M. mentioned that it was curious that Matthen 27; 9 indicated 'Jeremy the prophet'.    And sure enough it does in the KJV.  No way...Jeremy?!    That wasn't a name commonly used in those biblical writings.  Jeremy?   I told him it had piqued my curiosity and I was going to chase it down.  Which is what I did today. And thus begins the old dialogue about bible translations, bible translators and agendas for books of the bible.   I made a mental note and told myself, I'm not going there, been there many times before and it becomes a circuitous chasing my tail to little or no avail (ah, a poetic rhyme).

It's been mentioned a few times in my learnings that the gospel of Matthew may have had a strong agenda to favor the Romans (might have been politically expedient at that time to do so) with a slant against the Jews of that time making the Jews out to be more villainous than was perhaps accurate.   I can somewhat be dismissive of the Jeremy the prophet as written in Matthew, but it is rather indicative of a square peg being fitted to a round hole.  Some bible translations reference it as Jeremias the prophet, or Jeremiah the prophet, however the reference to the Old Testament book that speaks of Jeremiah is not the book of Jeremiah but the book of Zechariah.

Nonetheless, I can live with this and sort of wonder why young Elder M. mentioned it.   Moving on.

Reading Matthew 27: 45-54, Jesus being crucified which is an oh so familiar story, having heard it, read it, seen it so many times over my life time....but what is this verse 51 - 53; the veil of the temple was rent in two, the earth quakes, the rocks rent, and the graves were opened and many bodies of the saints which slept arose and came out of the graves after his ressurection and went into the holy city and appeared to many.

What!   I don't recall any time that this portrayal of saints arising from the dead and heading out to the holy city was part of the crucifixion/resurrection story.  Not in Mark, not in Luke, not in John, only in Matthew.
Internet here I come once again.  And it is explained away in metaphor or symbology or used as argument for the erroneous manner in which the stories of the bible are built, or used as arguments for atheism as in there are so many errors in the bible as to defy reason, thus there cannot be a God.

You know, I'm not altogether sure what it means, why I haven't heard of it before now - the part about the holy people coming out of their graves - and how I will put it together, but there it is in all the translations, just somewhat different words that still indicate that some that were dead were made alive at the time that Jesus is being crucified.  The arguments flow back and forth as to whether it was at the time Jesus died or the time of Jesus resurrection, and did these arisen wander for three days --- that sort of back and forth discussion.   I can instantly see a correlation to the writer(s) of Matthew putting a spiritual end to the Jews with the renting of the veil, the renting of the rocks and the rising of the sainteds out of the grave, thus giving birth firmly to a new Christology as supplanting Judaism.  I believe the gospel of Matthew was the last of the gospels to be written after Mark, Luke and John, and written at a much later time post Jesus death.  Were these verses added in that they do not appear in the earlier 3 gospels, and if so why were they added, how did add to the account?

Something else to assimilate and if I've learned nothing else in my studies of bible, I've decidedly learned there is very little that is concrete in the structuring of the bible, yet much to be learned and gained.  Ahh, but that it were a linear narrative, wouldn't it be so much simpler?

Convert - a most annoying word to me and I'm not one am I ?

Among the LDS people there seems to be a need to differentiate between generational LDS and 'converts', meaning people who were not raised in the culture (or the covenant) but decided to join the culture via baptism covenant.  Okay, in the sense of converting to another religion or culture, I get the useage of the term convert in it's many definitions.  In my limited understanding of how that word is used in context of religious cultures, a person changes from one belief set to another or it could also mean when a person more closely aligns to a belief set similar to the one they already carry.  

I don't see myself as doing either in this case.  I see myself as bringing what I already own via my appreciation, experience, understanding and belief sets to this religion without any wish for my belief set to be 'converted' to align more in line with the LDS model.    In some ways, it feels more like a testing ground to see if the LDS model can be adaptive enough to permit me to keep my belief set and permit it to be deepened within the their structure, a structure which, btw,  I view as subtly changing, perhaps needfully so, and in a way as to be more inclusive, opening up what has been or seemed to me to be a closed cultural structuring.  


However, in the technical definitions applied to the word convert, perhaps I am more comfortable with this definition;   to exchange something of equal value.  


I don't see myself as 'converting' to the LDS world view, rather I see myself as trying to embrace yet another human made structure of the spiritual mysteries.  I see myself as bringing intact my already existing relationship with Jesus Christ, and not that I am without a relationship and in need of having a relationship.  


But, perhaps I personalize the words I hear a bit too much.  As Arthur has explained, it could well be that the people in their earnestness to embrace me as a newcomer, they are liberally (wink, wink) pouring out the spirit, their testimonies all over me in a show of loving embrace.   Okay, I'll work on reframing it in my mind to be more the latter than the former.  I've pretty much resolved that Jesus walks with me where ever I go, there is no threat to the belief set I have formed of my relationship to Jesus except that it continues to expand.  The difficulty is in attempting to verbalize the individual personalization of that relationship, it has lived comfortably in a place of no words for a very long time, and giving voice to something so personal does not come easily.  


I see in many religions there is a standard of normal to share ideas, thoughts, discussions and dialogues about what is the meaning of the spirituality connection to the Greater Source, and that gets defined in many unique and different ways.  For me, less comfortable with the religiosity of the word useage, it seems more comfortable to keep my personal relationship quietly, inwardly personal.  I'm not saying better, just more comfortable.  

Having grown up with parent in military, it became part of my heritage to look at different cultures, different approaches with interest and curiosity, borrowing what I valued, leaving behind what was less valued.  I'm not sure that has left me with what is called a cafeteria approach to my own personal spirituality, as in taking what I want and leaving the rest.  It feels more like I'm drawn to a precept not unlike Joseph Campbell's comparative religions (belief sets) archetypes of mythical figures as is better explained  in his book 'The Power of Myth'  and the 1988 PBS collaborative series with Bill Moyers of the same name.  

LDS taking a New Look at the New Testament in 2011. I'm relieved.

2011 agenda for the LDS church seems to be a focus on the New Testament scriptures  (video at LDS.org), and the scaffolding of how the NT was organized.  I'm Very Relieved, and perhaps in this element, I can make a small contribution.  At the lesson with the missionaries earlier this week, I explained that the reading of Jesus words per the BOM considerably flattened out the personage of Jesus as is unfolded in the NT scriptures.  It would have been greatly disappointed to think that Jesus reframed in the perspective of the BOM is the definitive Jesus that many among LDS point to when referencing Jesus.  

I look forward with anticipation and hope that emphasis this year among the LDS endeavors will bring Jesus into sharper focus, perhaps move Joseph Smith more into the background and not the forefront centrality of the story, the gospel, the good news.  And I truly say these things in the name of Jesus Christ...Amen.

On a quieter note, what I am learning via grace and via our experience with the people of this Ward, is the mentoring (intentional or not) to gentle my voice while telling my story (my testimony)

Catching up, meeting Stake President, more Missionary lessons, more Sundays

For whatever reason I took it into my head that we were 'fast tracking' towards baptism, I was leaning forward eager to get through the steps and reach conclusion.  It was an impression I formed based on information given me in various exposures to this church experience, and perhaps with the information given me I formed my own sense of time lines (too long perhaps working in a bureacracy where timelines meant by this time these steps will have been taken toward conclusive goal).  

Now, a mere three weeks later (honestly, it feels like it's been two months), I'm starting to realize that it will be when it will be and all my endeavors to get and grasp as much information and knowledge as I can is not going to hurry the process.  Therein lying the operative word -- process.   Not the language of the LDS church, rather language more familiar to me I take a breath and slow down a bit reminding myself that a process is, in fact, a process, not always linear, not always with a timeline.

Since last post, we have had meeting/interview with the Stake President (last Sunday), two more lessons with the Missionaries and another Sunday 3 hour meeting block including a Linger Longer potluck afterwards.  My  continued question which I now state with personal amusement 'Where are the Women' has been taken seriously by the young missionaries and the last lesson a woman from the Ward was at the lesson with us.  You have to love the earnestness of those young missionaries!   Bless their hearts.   It wasn't quite what I had in mind, yet it does show some degree of appreciation for what I am asking as well as some degree of accommodation.

In the interim between lessons, and Sunday block meetings, we have been voraciously consuming information available on internet, audio podcasts in the Mormon Stories series, hosted by John Dehlin, reading, discussing, and audio mp3 of self assigned chapters of the Book of Mormon.  Arthur assigned the homework for us =  3rd Nephi and the King Benjamen part of Mosiah.  Plus the Book of Moroni, which Arthur read aloud the first week of lessons.   And the ongoing daily dialogue he and I share, have shared throughout our marriage.

It has been a whirlwind type experience as in moving quickly while I attempt to adapt my experiential belief set to this LDS belief set.  Wishing to bump up the pace a bit, we requested the missionaries suspend the usual introductory type lessons and permit us to get into more hefty aspects of the doctrines. They have been most accommodating and I appreciate their efforts more and more each time we meet with them.  Arthur shares stories of his time as a young missionary, then we'll hit some piece of knotty doctrine and I thoroughly appreciate how the young missionaries allow for either or both of us to express our opinions, while they find ways to incorporate those concerns into the lessons without dismissing our concerns as irrelevant.

I still find a goodly number of doctrinal concepts that I strongly disagree with while simultaneously trying to understand how those concepts were structured by looking at the scaffolding that built those belief sets.  The people I have met thus far have been sincere in their outreach, and it will take time (process) to build communication blocks that permit a flow of understanding the symbology, meanings, and power of words.  For now it more resembles elements of tower of babble to me in that I am speaking a language perhaps foreign to them and they are speaking a language foreign to me.  I truly do not wish to have the vocabulary I do use fall by the wayside in adapting/adopting a vocabulary more familiar to their comfort level.

Small example, the assurances that continue to come at me that I will feel the spirit, be filled with the Holy Ghost, feel the fire, grasp the understanding, develop the appreciation for the Book of Mormon, for Joseph Smith, and more such like codified terminology understood amongst themselves.  Sometimes I listen politely, sometimes I attempt to inject my viewpoint, sometimes I strive for mutual appreciation of what I am trying to convey, sometimes I shrug and say to myself another day and will try again.   Today one such concept was shared with me, as told by a great grandfather, about the fire of the Holy Ghost after not feeling it for long period after baptism and conversion, and when he did...........

While this is meant as encouragement, to my ears this is what I am hearing;   you don't yet have the Holy Ghost, you don't yet have the fire, you aren't yet converted and can't have these experiences until you are converted.    I'm fairly sure this is not the message they mean to give me, more that they are enthusiastic in sharing what I might expect or could expect, their enthusiasm for sharing their version of the 'good news' with me and that I am interested.  What I have not been able to convey is that I don't come to this church less the Holy Ghost, less the Holy Spirit, less my own personal close connection and walk with Jesus, and I do not have a desire or wish to convert or be converted.  I wish to understand, I wish to respect and appreciate but I am not without my own internal resources, and spiritual experience, values, ethics and morals, that make up who and what I am as a person, as a child, a daughter, a beloved of God.

I'm not of the belief that there is a prescribed way to experience the experience of spiritual connection to Creator, nor necessarily a set of behaviors that define Godliness.  On the other hand, I'm fully cognizant that for people to share in community there needs to be some standards of behaviors that promote valued morals and ethics that elevate the human spirit to desire to walk the path that elevates others' humanity.

What is highly significant thus far about this experience is the warm receptiveness of the people connected to us (families), and the new family of which we are seeking to become a part.  I do indeed understand this as the honeymoon phase in any new relationship, but in all honesty, I have to say the people have been very genuine is their outreach and skeptic that I am as in it's that early love bomb stage, somehow I don't think that is the case.  Time will tell, time will show, and meanwhile I trust firmly in the guidance of spirit that has served me well over my many years.  The Mormons like to say repetitiously to read the Book of Mormon, and pray about it.  I doubt that reading the Book of Mormon is going to cause me to feel any more spiritually connected than I currently do, and in fact, at this point, I'm more annoyed and angry with how Joseph Smith used the Book of Mormon to set in motion....but I digress.  As to praying, that is typically useful advice and sharing among people, and among different cultures there assuredly are different ways to pray.

I can live with the concept of calling out that a young Joseph Smith, derived from the religious atmosphere of his time a unique way to cope with or initiate another way to look at the scriptures (as in the bible, not the books he developed after).  I can live with the concept that in this regard Joseph Smith was considered a prophet of his time, many others were as well.  I can live with the concept that Joseph Smith introduced a revelatory church in that more revelation had come and was to come.  In the personal experience of revelation, it is not so unusual to experience a sustained strong spiritual connection as to feel that revelation is indeed happening uniquely to you while perhaps not fully appreciating that this is a more often than less commonality of experience among people.

My hurdle for this time being though is that the testimonies I hear point more to the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith than they do to the life, example of Jesus Christ (and not the Jesus Christ of the Book of Mormon --- that portrayal is too righteous, dry and a bit of a two dimensional character imprint that belies the fullness of my own experience of Jesus the Christ).  Each prayer and testimony ends with in the name of Jesus Christ, and that seems to be as much attention as is given to Jesus Christ.  While there is a strong emotional sharing of belief of the Atonement, it is still as if this is the backdrop from which Joseph Smith is then elevated along with the books he caused to be created as revelatory scripture.

I think perhaps for some, perhaps many, the means of expression so deeply personal and real to them is better met in the codified language which seems to be understood as the common language of sharing.  Thus saying such things as I have a testimony of  (fill in the blank ---- Book of Mormon as true, Joseph Smith as a prophet, Jesus Christ died for our salvation) that it has deeper commonality meaning of sharing emotional, spiritual experience than perhaps my ears are hearing at this time.  Ah, but you know this is called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, it is not called nor imho should it be called The Church of Jospeh Smith of the Latter Day Saints, nor should Joseph Smith nor the subsequent books he brought forth be elevated above the due to be given to Jesus Christ.  Just a humble opinion, but it's mine and one I hold dear.